Hard: requiring a great deal of endurance or effort.
Hard: done with great force or strength.
Hard: potent, powerful, or intense, in particular.
Hard has so many negative connotations when you hear it but it is through the hard stuff that character is formed and good things come from persisting through hard things but sometimes it's easy during hard stuff to feel like you are drowning.
I cannot believe that it is almost the end of August! There are only four more months in the program before we graduate! We only have a few more months of Jonah and we will be closing the show and jumping into rehearsals for our second show: Miracle of Christmas. I anticipated at this point in the journey after 6 months of Jonah to be completely sick of it but surprisingly, I'm not. I still really enjoy the show and the Lord is continuously revealing new things to me each time we perform it.
As far as the conservatory, we are about a month and a half into our second semester of classes which include: ballet, musical theatre dance, acting, discipleship II, theatre history, Shakespeare, horsemanship, stage craft series, stage combat, voice lessons and singing for the stage. This semester is way heavier course load than last semester was and I think it caught us a little by surprise. So, I am adjusting to the more academic-time-consuming type work load demands. We have so many big things that are a part of this semester: 2018 Contract auditions for Jesus in Lancaster, PA and Samson in Branson, MO were held on August 7, a large research paper for theatre history, putting on the play Twelve Angry Jurors for acting class, Miracle of Christmas rehearsals/show which we will have our own roles and no longer will be partnered, and preparing for show case/graduation as well as lining up auditions for next year so that we aren't poor any more after December in addition to putting on the 11 shows a week and our normal class and homework schedule.
This semester (well this year in general) is really stretching me. It seems like everything that could go wrong this year.. HAS! I have had to really fight my flesh not to write or post about those things in great detail and give a lot of life to them. I had and continue to have to protect my mind and what I give life to (and I have often failed). I could write about how my car got hit when my family came to visit. I could write about how I lost the contract for my job and have no income to cover normal living expenses. I could write about every single day having to ask God to provide food, gas, monthly expenses, walking in faith. I could write about how I have a painful patella injury and had to see an orthopedist and attend PT several times a week which I had to pay self pay because I don't have any helpful insurance. I could write about all the other body injuries that have occurred from performing on a concrete stage and how some days I can barely walk because of my plantar fasciitis. I could write about how I have felt lonely and alone. I could write about my jealousy when I compare myself to others . I could write about my insecurities as I am trying to work on my craft. I could write about the conflicts that have had to be worked through with classmates. I could write about my exhaustion, mood swings, how I have had bad moments where I have snapped at people. I could write about feeling like a failure because I completely bombed my Shakespeare monologue in class. I could write about my anxieties after auditions for the 2018 season because I did not get a call back. I could write about how I didn't sleep for almost three weeks because of my anxiety at night. I could write about how the person I loved for 7 years+ just got married to someone who wasn't me and how my wounds from that relationship are still there. I could write about how I am currently at home in NC because my father got air lifted to CMC for a heart attack. I could write about how I absolutely 0 money and needed new tires to get home. I could write about the voices of doubt and negativity that fill my mind and I often believe. but I cant (outside of those mentions! ha). If I give them too much life it takes the focus on the power of the cross and what Jesus did for my redemption. I have had so many feelings this year-- good and bad. If I am honest probably more bad than good. My friend in the cast who is so wise told me "Blair, it is ok for you to feel. God made feelings. He feels. So yeah, go and feel what you need to feel but walk through it, feel it and move on-- don't allow your feelings to cause you to sin." That hit the nail on head! We so often allow our feelings to cause us to sin against God and others.
In discipleship with the most incredible teacher and friend I could ask for, we talked about denying Jesus and our great ability has humans, even as Christians, to relate to so much to the disciple Peter. I relate to him so very much. I think sometimes as believers and in our pride and esteem that we think, shame on Peter, how could he deny Jesus when the reality is that we deny him most of the days. We don't have to verbally with our words deny him literally but often our words, actions, thoughts and belief systems often deny him. For the past 2 weeks that has been my prayer. God... to be honest this journey has been so incredible and so awful all at the same time! After hearing the news about my dad, I had hit my breaking point. That was enough for me. I just kept praying-- God, ok, I cannot do this anymore. This is enough BUT DO NOT LET ME DENY YOU. God, please, come hell or high water, come strength or struggle, in good or bad, please help me not to deny you in word, thought, or deed. I can FEEL angry at God-- He is a big boy. He can take it. And I am learning that it all starts with a conversation. It's ok to tell him your angry. It's ok to tell him you're hurt. It's ok to tell him that you feel like he is forsaking you or forgetting you. It's ok to feel those things but it's not ok to let those feelings cause you to sin-- to deny God. I am learning God wants to hear how you feel, even if you feel negatively but when you get to a place of shutting him out or turning your back or denying him...that is truly the Hard place. Life without the power of the Holy Spirit, the fathering of our Heavenly Father and the redemption of Jesus is a life of no-hope and utter despair.
The Good news in my list of Hard:
-I still don't have a job but some how money keeps showing up (art jobs, babysitting, gifts/support).
-My patella is not broken and can be improved with PT and Shirley (our PT) is amazing and patient.
-I have the best dressing room that rallies around me and prays for me and supports me when needed.
-Confessing your wrong doings and sins to others; asking for forgiveness and seeking to resolve conflict is never wasted.
-I may not get a call back or contract but I did the best I could do and I learned a lot.
-I got new sandals or inserts for the show and they have helped my plantar fasciitis and knee pain tremendously
-I got a weighted blanket that has helped me sleep very well/reduce anxiety.
-The Lord provided new tires for me to come home and see my dad. And he got to come home today!They put in two stents and he seems to be doing ok!
God is so good. Even in the Hard! Lord, no matter my circumstances, help me not to deny you.
