Come Hell or Highwater...

I knew it had been a good while since my last post but I didn't realize it was March! I have had so much that I did want to post about but a lot of it could be viewed in a negative light because this year has been so very hard- in a reefing, character-building type of fashion. I just know that in my transparency and vulnerability that things can come off negative and I never want to portray anything about this program or this year as bad-- it's just challenging-- so I have kept quiet. Plus, if I find any spare time, its usually used to make income, soak in a tub or sleep.

Hard: requiring a great deal of endurance or effort.
Hard: done with great force or strength.
Hard: potent, powerful, or intense, in particular.

Hard has so many negative connotations when you hear it but it is through the hard stuff that character is formed and good things come from persisting through hard things but sometimes it's easy during hard stuff to feel like you are drowning.

I cannot believe that it is almost the end of August! There are only four more months in the program before we graduate! We only have a few more months of Jonah and we will be closing the show and jumping into rehearsals for our second show: Miracle of Christmas. I anticipated at this point in the journey after 6 months of Jonah to be completely sick of it but surprisingly, I'm not. I still really enjoy the show and the Lord is continuously revealing new things to me each time we perform it.

As far as the conservatory, we are about a month and a half into our second semester of classes which include: ballet, musical theatre dance, acting, discipleship II, theatre history, Shakespeare, horsemanship, stage craft series, stage combat, voice lessons and singing for the stage. This semester is way heavier course load than last semester was and I think it caught us a little by surprise. So, I am adjusting to the more academic-time-consuming type work load demands.  We have so many big things that are a part of this semester: 2018 Contract auditions for Jesus in Lancaster, PA and Samson in Branson, MO were held on August 7, a large research paper for theatre history, putting on the play Twelve Angry Jurors for acting class, Miracle of Christmas rehearsals/show which we will have our own roles and no longer will be partnered, and preparing for show case/graduation as well as lining up auditions for next year so that we aren't poor any more after December in addition to putting on the 11 shows a week and our normal class and homework schedule.

This semester (well this year in general) is really stretching me. It seems like everything that could go wrong this year.. HAS!  I have had to really fight my flesh not to write or post about those things in great detail and give a lot of life to them. I had and continue to have to protect my mind and what I give life to (and I have often failed). I could write about how my car got hit when my family came to visit. I could write about how I lost the contract for my job and have no income to cover normal living expenses. I could write about every single day having to ask God to provide food, gas, monthly expenses, walking in faith. I could write about how I have a painful patella injury and had to see an orthopedist and attend PT several times a week which I had to pay self pay because I don't have any helpful insurance. I could write about all the other body injuries that have occurred from performing on a concrete stage and how some days I can barely walk because of my plantar fasciitis. I could write about how I have felt lonely and alone. I could write about my jealousy when I compare myself to others . I could write about my insecurities as I am trying to work on my craft. I could write about the conflicts that have had to be worked through with classmates. I could write about my exhaustion, mood swings, how I have had bad moments where I have snapped at people. I could write about feeling like a failure because I completely bombed my Shakespeare monologue in class. I could write about my anxieties after auditions for the 2018 season because I did not get a call back. I could write about how I didn't sleep for almost three weeks because of my anxiety at night.  I could write about how the person I loved for 7 years+ just got married to someone who wasn't me and how my wounds from that relationship are still there.  I could write about how I am currently at home in NC because my father got air lifted to CMC for a heart attack. I could write about how I absolutely 0 money and needed new tires to get home. I could write about the voices of doubt and negativity that fill my mind and I often believe. but I cant (outside of those mentions! ha). If I give them too much life it takes the focus on the power of the cross and what Jesus did for my redemption. I have had so many feelings this year-- good and bad. If I am honest probably more bad than good. My friend in the cast who is so wise told me "Blair, it is ok for you to feel. God made feelings. He feels. So yeah, go and feel what you need to feel but walk through it, feel it and move on-- don't allow your feelings to cause you to sin."  That hit the nail on head! We so often allow our feelings to cause us to sin against God and others. 

In discipleship with the most incredible teacher and friend I could ask for, we talked about denying Jesus and our great ability has humans, even as Christians, to relate to so much to the disciple Peter. I relate to him so very much. I think sometimes as believers and in our pride and esteem that we think, shame on Peter, how could he deny Jesus when the reality is that we deny him most of the days. We don't have to verbally with our words deny him literally but often our words, actions, thoughts and belief systems often deny him. For the past 2 weeks that has been my prayer. God... to be honest this journey has been so incredible and so awful all at the same time!  After hearing the news about my dad, I had hit my breaking point. That was enough for me. I just kept praying-- God, ok, I cannot do this anymore. This is enough BUT DO NOT LET ME DENY YOU. God, please, come hell or high water, come strength or struggle, in good or bad, please help me not to deny you in word, thought, or deed. I can FEEL angry at God-- He is a big boy. He can take it. And I am learning that it all starts with a conversation. It's ok to tell him your angry. It's ok to tell him you're hurt. It's ok to tell him that you feel like he is forsaking you or forgetting you. It's ok to feel those things but it's not ok to let those feelings cause you to sin-- to deny God. I am learning God wants to hear how you feel, even if you feel negatively but when you get to a place of shutting him out or turning your back or denying him...that is truly the Hard place. Life without the power of the Holy Spirit, the fathering of our Heavenly Father and the redemption of Jesus is a life of no-hope and utter despair. 

The Good news in my list of Hard: 

-I still don't have a job but some how money keeps showing up (art jobs, babysitting, gifts/support).

-My patella is not broken and can be improved with PT and Shirley (our PT) is amazing and patient.

-I have the best dressing room that rallies around me and prays for me and supports me when needed.

-Confessing your wrong doings and sins to others; asking for forgiveness and seeking to resolve conflict is never wasted. 

-I may not get a call back or contract but I did the best I could do and I learned a lot. 

-I got new sandals or inserts for the show and they have helped my plantar fasciitis and knee pain tremendously 

-I got a weighted blanket that has helped me sleep very well/reduce anxiety.

-The Lord provided new tires for me to come home and see my dad. And he got to come home today!They put in two stents and he seems to be doing ok! 

God is so good. Even in the Hard! Lord, no matter my circumstances, help me not to deny you. 

ASM

Here is a bit of an excerpt that I wrote as part of a guest blog for my classmate's blog. Time is really pressing so I figured I would share it here as well. Sorry for the lack of posting but time has been very full and when I am not performing, doing homework or trying to make income.... I'm usually soaking in a bathtub or passed out asleep. :) God bless you all!

God has me here to restore my life and to heal me. I truly believe that the Lord brought me here to heal some festering wounds from decisions on my part and uncaring, abusive decisions that others made. I truly am so thankful to be in such a loving place to learn, pursue the gifts and talents God gave me, and to have time to heal and figure out more and more about God’s character and his devout faithfulness to this undeserving daughter of His.

Being here has been so wonderfully thrilling, daunting, exciting, and terrifying all at once. I decided at age 30 to quit my safe job and walk away to spend a year studying and performing at a theatre with 11 young adults who are a good chunk  younger than me, living in a city where I knew basically no one and would not have any income to continue providing for the things that unfortunately do not go away just because you choose to pursue honing your craft in a conservatory environment.  It has been a great exercise in learning to trust the Lord as he literally has to meet my needs financially for food, health insurance, car, housing, etc while trying to pour every ounce of heart and hard work into every opportunity I am giving. The Lord has been graciously faithful to me to meet my needs and refresh my soul with his gentle spirit.

The conservatory experience has already taught me so very much and has stretched me in such wonderful ways. From the 11 shows of week which we perform at least 9 of those and when we are off we are diving into shadowing and working with other departments, learning any and every role we can to be able to swing for (Where you are ready to cover any role if they are out or need to be shifted), reading plays for independent study, and doing all our homework for our current classes which include: Viewpoints, Improv, Speech, Sight Singing, Singing for the Stage, Discipleship, Acting, Ballet and Musical Theatre Dance. Our teachers are so kind and wonderful. They truly want to see us succeed and grow but they do it with the kindness and compassion of Jesus which is really refreshing after spending the summer studying at a secular professional musical theatre conservatory in NYC.

Rehearsal process for Jonah going into opening our show for the public was such an eye opening experience of just how wonderful of a place that Sight & Sound really is and all the work that goes on in the background from back stage, deckhands, stage managers, costumes, makeup and hair, to the hardworking sales dept, janitorial staff, etc.  It’s mind boggling to think about what all happens, how fast it happens and the beauty of the heart that it happens with all so that the patrons that fill our seats may have an experience that truly touches their soul, prompts their hearts to reach out to Christ and prayerfully will ultimately change their eternity. It’s a blessing and honor to be a part of it and more times than not I feel extremely unworthy to be here but I am so thankful that God chose for me to be here.

For me, I am enjoying it all, even in the moments where I am cranky, tired, or facing something that pushes me out of my comfort zone or may even scare me (like driving the fisherman boats!) I am so thankful to be here. Sometimes, I find myself in the middle of a show just saying “Thank you God. I am so glad I’m here” -- Usually that happens during the storm scene when I am a wave puppeteer and during the Ocean scene when the Whale rushes over the crowd and I get to hear the cheers, and “oohs & ahhs” from the house of the theatre!

Above all, my absolute joy so far this year has been being a part of ASM-- After Show Ministry. After each show, the patrons are invited to come up the front for prayer for anything they may need prayer for or to dedicate their lives to Jesus Christ. So far, I have had the great privilege to pray for 4 different families and it has been truly beautiful to help carry their hearts, burdens, sorrows to the almighty King and to rush His throne room with thanksgiving and request to lay at His feet. Most days we are at the theatre for 12 hours days or more if we need to stay and rehearse then I usually leave and go home and do homework and try to do some work where ever possible to make some income. Amongst all that mixed in with exhaustion and sometimes hanger (Hungry anger! lol), It can be really easy to lose focus on what matters most and what we are here for. ASM truly keeps me in true perspective. I am so very thankful and look forward to covering many families in prayer. I pray that the Lord continues to work in all of our hearts cast, employees and patrons alike as He is faithful to complete the work that He has already begun in us! God bless!

One year ago today... One week from today...

Playing Glinda at Footlight Theatre with my ECBC Community Group who encouraged me (along with many others!). I literally would not be here without them.

One year ago today, I had the pleasure of being in my first show with a local community theatre in Charleston, SC. I finally walked away from someone who was always telling me what I could/should and couldn't/shouldn't do and finally started the process of figuring ME out including who I was, what I wanted and what I did not want and more importantly who I was in Christ, what Christ wanted and did not want for me. It was a beautiful day to be walking into Footlight Theatre, FEELING COMPLETELY FREE FROM THE CHAINS THAT HAD BOUND ME SO STINKING LONG, to play Glinda the Good Witch in a children's montage show of Dorothy in Wonderland where the two worlds of Oz and Wonderland collide. I had been in the middle of life coaching with the wonderful Robyn Agnew of iThrive Life Coaching and I had just said to her "I want to get back into performing. BUT only as a hobby though. I definitely do not want it to be a career."  Deep inside, I knew I wanted it as a career. Those words were merely just a defense mechanism because I was terrified. Singing was the one thing in my life I was confident that I was decent at and could do and I desperately did not want someone to take that away from me. It would crush m to get to an audition and have someone tell me I just was not enough. A year ago today, I was in the middle of the show run for Dorothy in Wonderland and I knew. I knew I had to do it. I knew it was now or never and I had to give it a chance. I did not pursue this in school because I was scared of rejection, thought I should make a wiser adult career choice and was in the expectation that I would be married and have 78 kids by the time I was 30. (ha!) Boy was a I wrong. I am so thankful for second chances and for a God that creates us for specific purposes. I am thankful that He knows what we need and that He is good and faithful to reveal those things to us in his good time.

That was a year ago. After 7 years of no singing and/or inconsistent singing and chasing things that were not meant for me, I finally started this crazy journey which lead then to doing two shows with AFTC for Piccolo Spoletto and the MOJA Festivals in Charleston as well as studying at Professional Musical Theatre Conservatory in NYC this summer. Now, I'm here. I live in Pennsylvania now and we open Jonah in one week. Our friends and family preview day takes place on Friday and we open the show on Saturday! WHAT?! How did this all happen? How did I get here?! And where is the time going? It is blowing my mind that I have almost been here for two months and we open in just a few short (and by short, I mean long, grueling rehearsal filled) days. I cannot praise God enough. I thank Him for this journey and for His good provision. If you are reading this, I know you most likely had a huge part in that. I am thankful for your prayers and provision. I am thankful for your love and encouragement. Thank you for being a part of my story and allowing me to be a part of yours!

I think this year is honestly going to be more so about the work that He is doing in my heart rather than my acting/performing skills (though I pray those grow exponentially as well.) The Lord is healing a lot of damage that was done in my young adult life whether that be from ill-meaning or well-meaning people; damage is damage. I am excited about how God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit are working in my life and healing and restoring things in his time with his goodness, faithfulness, love and mercy. I am thankful for the specific people He has placed in my life in this time whether it be for a season or a life time. I am thankful for people who graciously love me and speak truth into me. Who don't put up with my non-sense or allow me to believe/speak lies about myself or live life believing the lies that people and Satan has spoke to me or over my life. I am thankful for the Life that they breathe into my life. I am thankful for the mercy they exude even in the littlest of actions. God is good and knows what he is doing. He knows what we need and it is my prayer that I allow him to work in me. I want to allow him to create a clean heart in me and remove the ugly that is so deeply rooted in my heart. I am thankful to be here even on days when it is hard. I am thankful for the areas where I am aware that I am weak and need to grow emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I am thankful that awareness can lead me to healing and change if I choose it to. Holy Spirit, I want it to! I desire it too. I pray that the Holy Spirit fills me. I want to engage in worship that ushers out shame and sin by the Holy Spirit's presence. I want to be so filled with the Holy Spirit that there is no room for wrong lie-rooted belief systems to be inside of me.

As we open the show, I will post some pictures of costumes and things of that nature but for now it must remain a mystery just like the depths of my heart and my wrong thinking that the Lord is continuing to mold and change due to his grace and goodness.

The Christie/Dixon Team. Gabbi is my track partner aka my other half this year! She is a beautiful lady and is so radiant when she is on the stage. I am so thankful to share this spot with her this year.

Some dressing room truths! Made this sign that sits right in front of me at my dressing room mirror.

So thankful to be a part of this journey. Everyone from the director, to costume/hair, to stage management, and everyone in between-- they are completely mind blowing. Truly phenomenal-- opening day, here we come!

A whole lot of STANK.

Clearly, I am due for a new update on the blog. Trust me, I have not forgotten about you all out there. People told me not to "forget the small people" and believe me I have not forgotten you and I am not large. I never will be. I am the small people. I am so small. I am just a speck in this huge world that the Lord created.  And that is ok because he uses the small and ordinary to accomplish truly incredible things. I am a part of the big picture and for that, I am thankful. (Side note is... I would not be here if it weren't for you reading this blog. Literally, it wouldn't have been possible if the Lord did not put it on your heart to help me get here whether that be financially through support, giving me a job, praying for me, sending gift cards for my food, sending love, etc. You are so much bigger than you give yourself credit for.)

I have not posted the whole month of February and I am sorry for that BUT, I truly have been leaning into the Lord on what he wanted me to post. I kept asking Him what he wanted me to write about or touch on and I have gotten silence. Or....if I'm honest, I think my ears were plugged. I was focused on the bad, the lack, the disappointments, the loneliness, and the hard. He needed to do some redemptive work in me. The last few weeks have been going head on fast- We are quick charging forward with all day rehearsals and loads of information. After all, this is a learning year for me. It's something new, something challenging, in a new place, with new skill sets, new people, new emotions, new fears, new normal, lacking people I love, comforts I desire and familiar things that bring me joy. In all that comes the reality that it's not all easy. God tells us that life as believer won't be easy. There will be trials and tribulation.  I must confess that I haven't updated the blog in the last few weeks because I am confident that as I am learning this new normal that my heart has not been softened to the Holy Spirit, my attitude puffed up by selfish and sinful desires, ugly pride as raged in my spirit and my mind focused on the lack rather than the gift. The last thing I wanted to do was post a negative post or give a perspective that I was not having fun, learning lots or thankful for the opportunity to be here. I am all of those things. I just needed a perspective shift & a huge gut check!

I truly beg of you--Do not misread this or get me wrong. The last few weeks, and being here experiencing this, is absolutely incredible and I thank God for the gift but it has been tough. I would consider the last few weeks a major pruning period in my heart. Sometimes, we need to and have to take a step back to let God reveal things to us and this was the first of many that I am sure I will need as I go through this year. Unfortunately, sometimes God reveals things to us through our disobedience, pride and selfishness. For that, I am truly broken hearted BUT GOD is good. BUT GOD is merciful and gracious. He is Kind and Good. He is Loving and Gracious. He is forgiving and ever faithful. For that I am so thankful. I am thankful that every time I sin he has room for me in His arms to love me and a heart wants to redeem me. I praise Him for being a God that does not waste anything. He chooses to use my foolishness in a way that is for my good and ultimately for His glory.

Rehearsals have been stretching to me as a person and a performer. I am learning ways that I have fallen short or not taken advantage of the time that I have here. The Lord has shown me ways that I have been distracted or unengaged so as we continue on, I am excited to tighten those things up and really grow leaps and bounds this year as I go through each day yielding to the Holy Spirit and what He wants to do in me and through me this year at Sight & Sound.  I want every day to follow His leading & have the fruit bearing that is because of His Holy Spirit dwelling in me. Any other fruit will wither & die. I want to put in my best efforts, all day- everyday, and Trust God with the results.

Since I this realization of my STANK (& I do mean, STANK!!) attitude that I had festering inside of me and confessed it to Jesus, I cannot tell you the beauty that my eyes have been opened to. I am thankful to be here. I am thankful to be challenged. I am thankful to grow. I am thankful for the opportunity to love on people when they are tired, weak or dealing with disappointment. I am thankful to be able to speak truth. I am thankful to have people speak truth into me. I am thankful for second chances. I am thankful for talents and gifts He chooses to give to us that He didn't have to give. I am thankful for a God who loves me enough to show me when I am being ugly. You know, I am a lot like Jonah. His heart was so callused and hardened toward Nineveh.  His attitude was ungracious and unkind. His wounds from disappointment and hurt festered with hate and pride. I am so much like Him and I look forward to letting the Lord reveal more and more to me, clean me out, and put more and more of Himself into me.

I would greatly appreciate and covet your prayers for strength, endurance and energy. In addition, wisdom on how to best learn and grow as well as managing my time. Focus and clarity so that I can pay attention to all that I need to pay attention to. Discernment on how to deal with things and life outside of the theatre and how to make honoring choices that draw me closer to God. Continued provision for finances and for anxiety to be yielding to Christ as I am entering into the months where I do not have savings or provision ahead of time.  He tells me not to worry about what I am to eat or drink or wear. His words are for a reason and they are worth me trusting as unwavering truth. Strength to not care so much what others think or say about me but staying true, content and satisfied on what God has to say about me. Discipline and good stewardship in my work ethic, kindness, talents, time, finances and love; all yielding to the holy spirit.

Please email me or message me and let me know what is going on with you all. I do love and miss you. I am sorry I haven't been able to reach out as much as I would like to. I will attempt to be better. Please read this as if it were a personal conversation over coffee. Know that is my heart for all of you. You are loved and very valued in my heart.

And Christie Dixon was born!

I want the main focus of my blogging throughout my year to not only as an update for those all over who have supported me and made this a reality but I want it mostly to point out the beauty of Christ as I go through each day. I pray it honors him, reflects him and proclaims His goodness above anything else. Each day as I am seeking the beauty of Christ, I am starting to see it more and more in the people around me. It is my prayer that my heart would be in tune to how the people around me are made in His image.... and as someone who is often hard on herself, I hope I grow to see it in myself as well.  I want to dedicate this blog specifically to one lady whom I have witnessed the beauty of Christ:

     Gabrielle Dixon.

 Isn't she absolutely radiant and stunning?!

Today was our first day of choreography and vocal rehearsals for Jonah. It was an incredible day where the whole cast met this morning at a ball room to learn the whole cast numbers for two songs. Then we spent the afternoon with our music director.

For the 12 conservatory students, we will be balancing a schedule where we will share roles with a track partner. When they're on stage performing our primary roles, I either will be in class, shadowing other departments or swinging for other roles. I am so thankful that my track partner is Gabbi!  I cannot thank God enough for that provision. Having a track partner has potential to be a difficult thing because you have to switch in and out while learning your blocking, choreography etc. It could be a very easy place for pride or selfishness to creep in. It easily could be a place where I could feel entitled to a spot to rehearse or could house jealousy, pride, envy, or even disappointment for one reason or another. I am so thankful to have someone like Gabbi to be my partner. She is full of energy, passion, and joy. Her laugh is contagious and she is generous, selfless and encouraging with sharing the stage/spot with me. We alternate and help each other through our choreography. It was such a blessing. If she fails, I fail. If she succeeds, I succeed.

The best part today was when our director was calling up performers to place them in their positions and he called for Christie Dixon. There was no response. He kept looking around. Again, "Christie Dixon." Gabbi and I looked at each other like...."hmm.. who is Christie Dixon? We haven't met her yet." Turns out--Christie Dixon is us.  (Christie/Dixon-- not Christie Dixon) Today, Christie Dixon was born and I am so thankful to be a part of that team.

Gabbi, you're a beautiful soul and I cannot wait to spend this year with you through good and bad growing as people, believers and performers. You inspire me. You reflect the beauty of Christ and especially the passion of Christ for people who are oppressed or are facing injustice. That is one of the many things about you that stretches me and inspires me to be better. I love you. Cheers to a good year of being twins and adding some thickness to the stage! ha!

All the Feelings

Today was the first day of rehearsals for Jonah. All the cast is now in town and we were all in one room to begin the rehearsal season for this year. We will have 6 weeks of 8 hour long rehearsal blocks for 6 days a week until opening day of Jonah. I know that this is going to be an incredible learning experience as a person, performer and most importantly as a believer and follower of Christ.

Today contained so many emotions for me:

• Elated joy as we got to do our script read through and I got to meet all the professional actors who bring this story to life
• Fear as I met those professional actors and was wondering how I am going to fit in the big picture or the common people pleaser concern of "will they like me?" (When really I just need to be worried about pleasing God rather than man...)
• Internal struggle as I fight of selfishness, pride or disappointment for one reason or another (hey, I am only human. It's in there)
• Disappointment as we talked about holidays realizing there is a chance I may not get to see my family for holidays this year (and that brings tears to my eyes as I type this--that means no annual thanksgiving sleep over with my niece and nephew)
• Utter Joy as I finally am beginning day one of the things that I used to dream about
• Sadness as my best friends birthday is coming up on Wednesday and she is 13 hours away from me and I just want to be there to celebrate her life with her
• Awe and thankfulness as we prayed, read through scripture and the script of Jonah and I was reminded of God's mercy and faithfulness in my own life
• Anxiety as I looked at my bank account and wonder how the Lord is going to provide my needs for the next month much less the rest of the year
• insecurities as I am stepping into something completely new and unknown
• tension as I look at the schedule that is to come between the show, school, homework and working/making income to live and other life errands.
• Humbleness that God would see it fit to choose me to be a part of something so magnificent
• Hope for the future as far as opportunities to use my gifts to glorify Him and proclaim the glorious news of what He did on the cross
• Inspiration as I heard stories of veteran performers who have been ministering on the stage of sight and sound for many years and how the Lord has been faithful to work there in the lives of performers, employees, and guests.

There are so many feelings good and bad and I just want to commit all my joys and sorrows and worries unto Him.

He cares. He is good. He is faithful. He is loving. He is kind. He is worthy of my trust. I shall not fear. He cares about me. He is good to me. He is faithful to me.  He is kind to me. I will trust Him. I will not fear. I will not keep my eyes on my circumstances or let the feelings overwhelm, undermine or overtake my faith. I serve a mighty, faithful, loving God. He brought me here, he will take care of the rest... even the soothing of my wearing, aching heart that is missing people I love. I am so thankful I have an Abba Father who loves me so deeply and passionately.

Excited to begin this process.... what I have always dreamed. I am humbled & honored to be here--even with all these crazy, all over the place, roller coaster feels! I am thankful he created me to feel deeply and that I am learning to value that rather than thinking it a curse. I pray it is a gift to my craft as I learn and grow this year.

No Room for Doubt

I know how fast time flies when you're having fun, you're busy and doing what you love. I truly cannot believe that we have finished week two already! Before we know it, the year will be over and it will seem like a complete whirlwind. I want to make sure that I soak up everything I can and enjoy it all.

We have been in classes for the past two weeks and now classes will take a brief pause because all the cast is finally in town and we will begin our official rehearsals for Jonah on Monday!  For the next six weeks, we will be in rehearsals so that we can open in March! We got our primary track and role assignments as well as getting the opportunity to be swings for a few shows a week. (For those who don't know this term, a swing is when you learn someone else's track/part and you are on standby ready to fill in for them if it is needed.) This is such a demanding and valuable skill set and I am so thankful that we get the opportunity to learn this year in this incredibly special place. If I am going to jump in feet first into something intimidating and overwhelming like learning primary roles and being a swing as well in 9 to 11 shows a week and  being a student on top of that and managing a homework load... there is NO better place to do it. This place is loving, encouraging, helpful, supportive all while being incredibly professional and top of the line. Its going to be a challenging year of growth but so exciting!

I have no doubt that I am where I am supposed to be especially along side with these 11 younger classmates of mine. I have had some serious humble pie as some of them have asked to meet one on one and they share their hearts with me; trusting me with their hearts as they are vulnerable, raw and pure. Its my prayer that I love them well, with no judgment or condemnation, that I cry when they cry, rejoice when they rejoice and always point them to Jesus. I pray that if I must speak truth that I always do so in love and they leave me encouraged and with their eyes fixed on God and their thoughts fixated on the gospel. I pray they always leave me feeling encouraged and loved. I am excited to watch them grow in faith and in skill this year. Not only have I gotten to love them and pour into them and had opportunity to speak the truth in love to them, they've done it to me.

Thursday was my first hard day of this program for me. I was really struggling with my beauty. That is something I have always struggled with my whole life. Never feeling adequate enough in my physical appearance or my desirability. I struggle with feeling so inadequate, unfeminine and undesirable not only romantically as a future spouse but even for future roles especially lead or supporting roles. I have constantly compared myself to other women, asked God why he made me physically the way he did, and self-criticized every part of my being. I am thankful for how I have grown in this area and that I am not where I was but this is an area I want victory in this year. I want to see myself as Christ intends. On top of that inner struggle, I had to share my testimony. I have a redeemed life but my life has not always been honoring to God. It has been far from perfect (and never will be perfect!). I have been through some really hard moments so retelling that just drained me. I am thankful for my story because the story and redemption of the cross is for me and I am so thankful. I was emotionally spent. It was the first hard day and I know it will not be my last. I am thankful to serve a God though that reveals beautiful things in hard moments as he refines us and chisels away the things that do not reflect Him. Even though it is painful and uncomfortable, he is faithful in it. He is faithful to complete the good work He began in us. I am thankful that He promises to never leave me nor forsake me. As stated in the previous paragraph, they have spoken love to me. One person in particular noticed my struggle and as gone out of their way to let me know I am loved and not alone. A little effort to let people know their worth, the truth of the Gospel of Jesus Christ or just taking the time to tell someone when you see something beautiful in them is never wasted. You know who you are...thank you for loving me well in those moments this week.

As we come to this Friday, the end of week two, I am beyond worn out already and my voice is incredibly tired. Though it hurts, It's beautiful. It doesn't hurt from singing too much. It hurts from talking and laughing. I have been talking non-stop for two weeks... sharing my story, encouraging others in their stories, proclaiming the Goodness of God, joking, laughing harder than I have laughed in probably 10 years and being allowed to laugh. Being embraced for who I am when I for so long was in a manipulative relationship where I was not allowed to be that; who I was never was enough. Though it is sore, It is a sign of God's faithfulness and provision glorious redemption in my life and for that, I am beyond humbled for his blessings in this season.

This weeks blessings are in such small details. The little ways God has reminded me he has me. My work text me and told me they hired someone. That means my job working remotely could possibly end at anytime. That naturally in my human nature, of course, freaked me out for a moment. It caused me some anxiety seeing as that was what I was counting on so I can cover my monthly living expenses this year. Otherwise, after February and part of March, its going to literally be trusting the Lord for my daily bread. I know he meets all my needs and he is  my ultimate provider. I grew anxious when I heard that news and recommitted it to Him.  I want to lean on him with all my heart.  Then he shows me with grace, not as a genie but as an almighty, loving, caring, gracious father who provides and pursues his kids, that He is in control. When I got home I came home to a package from a church friend back home with 80 bucks included. I needed a lamp for my room, I got a 26.00 dollar lamp for 4 bucks- No clue why. Absolutely nothing was wrong with it. I got treated to two coffee dates with people who shared their soul and also let me bear mine; one of which was with a cast member who I feel I have known forever and I know is going to grow into an incredibly deep friendship that is mutually satisfying in effort to honor the Lord and push each other to be our best as performers. We got fed two meals while at sight and sound this week. I got a post card in the mail with encouragement. I got asked to do two pieces of art work this week for some income. This past weekend, we also got to go as a group and see a free show with free dinner! He is faithful and I have no place in my heart that should doubt Him. I pray that My heart grows more and more filled with his love that doubt literally can never reside there. Whenever I doubt, I pray I am quick to be reminded either from myself, his holy spirit or believers around me that He has me and I need not worry. Greater is He who is in me than He who is in this world.

So excited to jump in fully into Jonah! A beautiful depiction of God's grace and mercy for our lives! I am excited about claiming that each day as my own story as I go through this show through rehearsals and performances and I pray that the other cast members, employees and guest that come to the show do the same.