Clearly, I am due for a new update on the blog. Trust me, I have not forgotten about you all out there. People told me not to "forget the small people" and believe me I have not forgotten you and I am not large. I never will be. I am the small people. I am so small. I am just a speck in this huge world that the Lord created. And that is ok because he uses the small and ordinary to accomplish truly incredible things. I am a part of the big picture and for that, I am thankful. (Side note is... I would not be here if it weren't for you reading this blog. Literally, it wouldn't have been possible if the Lord did not put it on your heart to help me get here whether that be financially through support, giving me a job, praying for me, sending gift cards for my food, sending love, etc. You are so much bigger than you give yourself credit for.)
I have not posted the whole month of February and I am sorry for that BUT, I truly have been leaning into the Lord on what he wanted me to post. I kept asking Him what he wanted me to write about or touch on and I have gotten silence. Or....if I'm honest, I think my ears were plugged. I was focused on the bad, the lack, the disappointments, the loneliness, and the hard. He needed to do some redemptive work in me. The last few weeks have been going head on fast- We are quick charging forward with all day rehearsals and loads of information. After all, this is a learning year for me. It's something new, something challenging, in a new place, with new skill sets, new people, new emotions, new fears, new normal, lacking people I love, comforts I desire and familiar things that bring me joy. In all that comes the reality that it's not all easy. God tells us that life as believer won't be easy. There will be trials and tribulation. I must confess that I haven't updated the blog in the last few weeks because I am confident that as I am learning this new normal that my heart has not been softened to the Holy Spirit, my attitude puffed up by selfish and sinful desires, ugly pride as raged in my spirit and my mind focused on the lack rather than the gift. The last thing I wanted to do was post a negative post or give a perspective that I was not having fun, learning lots or thankful for the opportunity to be here. I am all of those things. I just needed a perspective shift & a huge gut check!
I truly beg of you--Do not misread this or get me wrong. The last few weeks, and being here experiencing this, is absolutely incredible and I thank God for the gift but it has been tough. I would consider the last few weeks a major pruning period in my heart. Sometimes, we need to and have to take a step back to let God reveal things to us and this was the first of many that I am sure I will need as I go through this year. Unfortunately, sometimes God reveals things to us through our disobedience, pride and selfishness. For that, I am truly broken hearted BUT GOD is good. BUT GOD is merciful and gracious. He is Kind and Good. He is Loving and Gracious. He is forgiving and ever faithful. For that I am so thankful. I am thankful that every time I sin he has room for me in His arms to love me and a heart wants to redeem me. I praise Him for being a God that does not waste anything. He chooses to use my foolishness in a way that is for my good and ultimately for His glory.
Rehearsals have been stretching to me as a person and a performer. I am learning ways that I have fallen short or not taken advantage of the time that I have here. The Lord has shown me ways that I have been distracted or unengaged so as we continue on, I am excited to tighten those things up and really grow leaps and bounds this year as I go through each day yielding to the Holy Spirit and what He wants to do in me and through me this year at Sight & Sound. I want every day to follow His leading & have the fruit bearing that is because of His Holy Spirit dwelling in me. Any other fruit will wither & die. I want to put in my best efforts, all day- everyday, and Trust God with the results.
Since I this realization of my STANK (& I do mean, STANK!!) attitude that I had festering inside of me and confessed it to Jesus, I cannot tell you the beauty that my eyes have been opened to. I am thankful to be here. I am thankful to be challenged. I am thankful to grow. I am thankful for the opportunity to love on people when they are tired, weak or dealing with disappointment. I am thankful to be able to speak truth. I am thankful to have people speak truth into me. I am thankful for second chances. I am thankful for talents and gifts He chooses to give to us that He didn't have to give. I am thankful for a God who loves me enough to show me when I am being ugly. You know, I am a lot like Jonah. His heart was so callused and hardened toward Nineveh. His attitude was ungracious and unkind. His wounds from disappointment and hurt festered with hate and pride. I am so much like Him and I look forward to letting the Lord reveal more and more to me, clean me out, and put more and more of Himself into me.
I would greatly appreciate and covet your prayers for strength, endurance and energy. In addition, wisdom on how to best learn and grow as well as managing my time. Focus and clarity so that I can pay attention to all that I need to pay attention to. Discernment on how to deal with things and life outside of the theatre and how to make honoring choices that draw me closer to God. Continued provision for finances and for anxiety to be yielding to Christ as I am entering into the months where I do not have savings or provision ahead of time. He tells me not to worry about what I am to eat or drink or wear. His words are for a reason and they are worth me trusting as unwavering truth. Strength to not care so much what others think or say about me but staying true, content and satisfied on what God has to say about me. Discipline and good stewardship in my work ethic, kindness, talents, time, finances and love; all yielding to the holy spirit.
Please email me or message me and let me know what is going on with you all. I do love and miss you. I am sorry I haven't been able to reach out as much as I would like to. I will attempt to be better. Please read this as if it were a personal conversation over coffee. Know that is my heart for all of you. You are loved and very valued in my heart.
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