All the Feelings

Today was the first day of rehearsals for Jonah. All the cast is now in town and we were all in one room to begin the rehearsal season for this year. We will have 6 weeks of 8 hour long rehearsal blocks for 6 days a week until opening day of Jonah. I know that this is going to be an incredible learning experience as a person, performer and most importantly as a believer and follower of Christ.

Today contained so many emotions for me:

• Elated joy as we got to do our script read through and I got to meet all the professional actors who bring this story to life
• Fear as I met those professional actors and was wondering how I am going to fit in the big picture or the common people pleaser concern of "will they like me?" (When really I just need to be worried about pleasing God rather than man...)
• Internal struggle as I fight of selfishness, pride or disappointment for one reason or another (hey, I am only human. It's in there)
• Disappointment as we talked about holidays realizing there is a chance I may not get to see my family for holidays this year (and that brings tears to my eyes as I type this--that means no annual thanksgiving sleep over with my niece and nephew)
• Utter Joy as I finally am beginning day one of the things that I used to dream about
• Sadness as my best friends birthday is coming up on Wednesday and she is 13 hours away from me and I just want to be there to celebrate her life with her
• Awe and thankfulness as we prayed, read through scripture and the script of Jonah and I was reminded of God's mercy and faithfulness in my own life
• Anxiety as I looked at my bank account and wonder how the Lord is going to provide my needs for the next month much less the rest of the year
• insecurities as I am stepping into something completely new and unknown
• tension as I look at the schedule that is to come between the show, school, homework and working/making income to live and other life errands.
• Humbleness that God would see it fit to choose me to be a part of something so magnificent
• Hope for the future as far as opportunities to use my gifts to glorify Him and proclaim the glorious news of what He did on the cross
• Inspiration as I heard stories of veteran performers who have been ministering on the stage of sight and sound for many years and how the Lord has been faithful to work there in the lives of performers, employees, and guests.

There are so many feelings good and bad and I just want to commit all my joys and sorrows and worries unto Him.

He cares. He is good. He is faithful. He is loving. He is kind. He is worthy of my trust. I shall not fear. He cares about me. He is good to me. He is faithful to me.  He is kind to me. I will trust Him. I will not fear. I will not keep my eyes on my circumstances or let the feelings overwhelm, undermine or overtake my faith. I serve a mighty, faithful, loving God. He brought me here, he will take care of the rest... even the soothing of my wearing, aching heart that is missing people I love. I am so thankful I have an Abba Father who loves me so deeply and passionately.

Excited to begin this process.... what I have always dreamed. I am humbled & honored to be here--even with all these crazy, all over the place, roller coaster feels! I am thankful he created me to feel deeply and that I am learning to value that rather than thinking it a curse. I pray it is a gift to my craft as I learn and grow this year.