We have been in classes for the past two weeks and now classes will take a brief pause because all the cast is finally in town and we will begin our official rehearsals for Jonah on Monday! For the next six weeks, we will be in rehearsals so that we can open in March! We got our primary track and role assignments as well as getting the opportunity to be swings for a few shows a week. (For those who don't know this term, a swing is when you learn someone else's track/part and you are on standby ready to fill in for them if it is needed.) This is such a demanding and valuable skill set and I am so thankful that we get the opportunity to learn this year in this incredibly special place. If I am going to jump in feet first into something intimidating and overwhelming like learning primary roles and being a swing as well in 9 to 11 shows a week and being a student on top of that and managing a homework load... there is NO better place to do it. This place is loving, encouraging, helpful, supportive all while being incredibly professional and top of the line. Its going to be a challenging year of growth but so exciting!
I have no doubt that I am where I am supposed to be especially along side with these 11 younger classmates of mine. I have had some serious humble pie as some of them have asked to meet one on one and they share their hearts with me; trusting me with their hearts as they are vulnerable, raw and pure. Its my prayer that I love them well, with no judgment or condemnation, that I cry when they cry, rejoice when they rejoice and always point them to Jesus. I pray that if I must speak truth that I always do so in love and they leave me encouraged and with their eyes fixed on God and their thoughts fixated on the gospel. I pray they always leave me feeling encouraged and loved. I am excited to watch them grow in faith and in skill this year. Not only have I gotten to love them and pour into them and had opportunity to speak the truth in love to them, they've done it to me.
Thursday was my first hard day of this program for me. I was really struggling with my beauty. That is something I have always struggled with my whole life. Never feeling adequate enough in my physical appearance or my desirability. I struggle with feeling so inadequate, unfeminine and undesirable not only romantically as a future spouse but even for future roles especially lead or supporting roles. I have constantly compared myself to other women, asked God why he made me physically the way he did, and self-criticized every part of my being. I am thankful for how I have grown in this area and that I am not where I was but this is an area I want victory in this year. I want to see myself as Christ intends. On top of that inner struggle, I had to share my testimony. I have a redeemed life but my life has not always been honoring to God. It has been far from perfect (and never will be perfect!). I have been through some really hard moments so retelling that just drained me. I am thankful for my story because the story and redemption of the cross is for me and I am so thankful. I was emotionally spent. It was the first hard day and I know it will not be my last. I am thankful to serve a God though that reveals beautiful things in hard moments as he refines us and chisels away the things that do not reflect Him. Even though it is painful and uncomfortable, he is faithful in it. He is faithful to complete the good work He began in us. I am thankful that He promises to never leave me nor forsake me. As stated in the previous paragraph, they have spoken love to me. One person in particular noticed my struggle and as gone out of their way to let me know I am loved and not alone. A little effort to let people know their worth, the truth of the Gospel of Jesus Christ or just taking the time to tell someone when you see something beautiful in them is never wasted. You know who you are...thank you for loving me well in those moments this week.
As we come to this Friday, the end of week two, I am beyond worn out already and my voice is incredibly tired. Though it hurts, It's beautiful. It doesn't hurt from singing too much. It hurts from talking and laughing. I have been talking non-stop for two weeks... sharing my story, encouraging others in their stories, proclaiming the Goodness of God, joking, laughing harder than I have laughed in probably 10 years and being allowed to laugh. Being embraced for who I am when I for so long was in a manipulative relationship where I was not allowed to be that; who I was never was enough. Though it is sore, It is a sign of God's faithfulness and provision glorious redemption in my life and for that, I am beyond humbled for his blessings in this season.
This weeks blessings are in such small details. The little ways God has reminded me he has me. My work text me and told me they hired someone. That means my job working remotely could possibly end at anytime. That naturally in my human nature, of course, freaked me out for a moment. It caused me some anxiety seeing as that was what I was counting on so I can cover my monthly living expenses this year. Otherwise, after February and part of March, its going to literally be trusting the Lord for my daily bread. I know he meets all my needs and he is my ultimate provider. I grew anxious when I heard that news and recommitted it to Him. I want to lean on him with all my heart. Then he shows me with grace, not as a genie but as an almighty, loving, caring, gracious father who provides and pursues his kids, that He is in control. When I got home I came home to a package from a church friend back home with 80 bucks included. I needed a lamp for my room, I got a 26.00 dollar lamp for 4 bucks- No clue why. Absolutely nothing was wrong with it. I got treated to two coffee dates with people who shared their soul and also let me bear mine; one of which was with a cast member who I feel I have known forever and I know is going to grow into an incredibly deep friendship that is mutually satisfying in effort to honor the Lord and push each other to be our best as performers. We got fed two meals while at sight and sound this week. I got a post card in the mail with encouragement. I got asked to do two pieces of art work this week for some income. This past weekend, we also got to go as a group and see a free show with free dinner! He is faithful and I have no place in my heart that should doubt Him. I pray that My heart grows more and more filled with his love that doubt literally can never reside there. Whenever I doubt, I pray I am quick to be reminded either from myself, his holy spirit or believers around me that He has me and I need not worry. Greater is He who is in me than He who is in this world.
So excited to jump in fully into Jonah! A beautiful depiction of God's grace and mercy for our lives! I am excited about claiming that each day as my own story as I go through this show through rehearsals and performances and I pray that the other cast members, employees and guest that come to the show do the same.
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