Thankfully the faithfulness of the Lord is not equivalent to my faithfulness to post on this blog. It's now January 11, 2017 and I am sitting here in Piney Point, Maryland visiting a dear friend; the one who mentored me and lead me to the Lord as a matter of fact. That was in 2009 and what a journey my life has been since that time. She was so faithful to mentor me and love me in my mess. She spoke the truth to me in love and brought out seeds of greatness in me which were in desperate need of nurturing. They still are but in the time that has passed since 2009, I have grown to learn to nurture them some on my own with the word of God and with reminding myself with truth of our reality of what Jesus Christ did on the cross for us. I am so thankful for her and thankful to God for his great provision in that way and in every other way that he has graciously provided and protected me as his child and his heritage.
I am enjoying the view of the Potomac River through her sunroom and am preparing myself for what lies ahead for me today and in the next few days. In the next few hours, I will squeeze myself in my overly stuffed car that is a hazard if you open the doors because of all my things that have been stuffed in with anticipation of the year that is to come and I will drive to Pennsylvania; my new home for at least the next year to begin my journey at Sight & Sound.
Since I last posted, I am amazed at the Lords provision. I am also amazed at my anxiety and worry. The Lord always has loved me and been faithful to me. That is not faithful to always give me what I want because Lord knows he has not but been faithful to give me what is for my good and for His glory; even when that in the moment seems bad, hard, painful, challenging... its been for my good. He is King of King and Lord of Lords and I am not. He knows best not me. In this particular situation and season of my life, He has graciously seen fit not just to open doors to me but rather it feels like he is pushing me through the doors with love, excitement and passion. I feel confident that this is the direction in which I should go despite feeling anxious, grieving leaving my family and being so far away, or wondering how it will all come together. I am anxious to see how it will all play out but I am not worried.
When I last posted, I didn't even have half of my tuition. I had sent in my deposit check and I was just living day by day in faith knowing that it was going to work out if it was supposed to and if not then it was not for me. That's a hard pill to swallow when it is something that you want so deeply. He provided though. I want what He wants for me in every area of my life and I have been praying that I would be more in tune to His leading and His Holy Spirit to direct me, give me wisdom and guide me. In hand with that, I have also been praying for my obedience to follow when he does direct and guide me without grumbling, without worry, without apprehension but with whole hearted obedience and desire to glorify Him and serve his purpose and plan for my life which in turn could look a whole lot different than my purpose and my plan for my life.
It is now January and I have to praise God.
I have my tuition paid- praise God.
I have a place to live for a mere 50 dollars a month and exchange for cleaning services. In addition, I have enough money right now for my first 3 months of living there so far. -- praise God.
My bills have been paid for January- praise God.
My job that I left is considering letting me work remotely for one or two days a week or when I have free time-- praise God.
I have my school needs/supplies met-- praise God.
I have a handful of gift cards to use for the first few months to Walmart & Target so I can get groceries-- praise God.
There may be months where I do not have these things lined up--- PRAISE GOD. My goal is not to doubt him. I don't want to doubt him when it's the 28th and my car payment is due and I am lacking. I don't want to doubt him when my tummy is growling and my gift cards are spent. I don't want to doubt him when I am struggling to perform because of my weight. I don't want to doubt him when I am in the midst of exhaustion of school, performing 9 to 11 shows a week and working a part time job. I don't ever want to doubt his faithfulness in good or hard times. I want to always know and be confident who my source is. All those things above from the home to the computer I type on are all fleeting and they are all things. I never want my hope to be in those things and I must confess to God and to you my brothers and sisters in Christ that often they are. I pray that the Lord continues to show me that I am nothing without Him and that my confidence and hope can only be in Him. I pray that I know that those things are gifts and can be enjoyed but never honored and revered as the source of my hope or the solution to my life. Jesus Christ is always and only the hope I will ever have.
As I prepare to leave, I am scared. I am trying so hard not to be but I am. I left a secure job that I was good at, a beautiful city, my best friend, a solid church, my sweet amazing family, my adorable niece and nephew, a comfy bed to go live in the cold of the North, with new people I haven't experienced, new cultures, new routines and demands, no income and I am sad but also have such great expectation of what is to come. It is my prayer that the people I left, especially my family, know I love them. I never want me choosing to pursue the path God has for me to let them feel that I do not desire or love them with all my heart. I want my life to be for Christ's sake and Christ glory--- I want to do the thing that He created me to do. The thing that proclaims his name and brings him the most glory. I do hope this is it and if not, I know God will be faithful to use this to guide me and direct me. This will be another chapter in molding me more into His image as He prepares to call us home to Heaven when the old earth will fade away and a new one shall come. I await for that day with excitement and great anticipation but I want to do the same as I am here on earth walking through this journey knowing that God is good, confident that he is faithful, knowing that there will be trials but that He is Just and praying that I will grow stronger in faith and spirit. I pray that I fall more and more deeply in love with Jesus Christ and in turn with people. I pray that I fall less and less in love with myself and my self-centered, gluttonous desires. I pray that I begin to see people more and more for who they are in the image of Christ as his creation and less through my judgments and assumptions. I pray that I become enthralled by the beauty of Christ and the sacrifice that was made on the cross. I pray that all my decisions are made out of that reality and what that means for my life. I pray that sin in my life would continue to be plucked out, even if it's ugly and painful and that through that I will be confident of the good work that the Lord is doing in me. This year, I pray I learn more of my story in Christ Jesus. I pray I grow confident in my worth and my beauty in Jesus. I pray that I stop living my life judging or condemning myself and living free with the reality of the gospel and what it means for my life. I truly appreciate you all joining me on this journey and praying for me as I embark on this beautiful experience-- may Christ be glorified!
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