You cannot base your future hope on past disappointments

Every day that I get to be alive, I am more blown away with the Lords faithfulness and also in hand with that more blown away by the ugliness that clouds my heart and in turn hardens it.

I am here in Lancaster, PA. I am at my host home which has been such a blessing and I am getting settled in and adjusted. Our orientation is on Monday so until then I have been getting things set up for my room, prepped for classes and set up to work remotely for my work for 1 or 2 days a week at least until they get a new hire. Can you say PRAISE JESUS?! He is so faithful! I am lacking $4,300 dollars needed for living expenses for the year so I am thankful this will help a little bit with that! And I don't have to learn a new skill set among learning all the other new things I have to learn! That in itself is such a gift. It won't cover all of what I am lacking but it will make a dent and I am thankful to God for that provision. And I'm thankful I get to help my boss out as well; He is a gem.

The last of the conservatory students came into town today. I have gotten to meet them all except one. I have a confession to make. All of them are younger than me but truly that's not hard to be when you are a 30 year old taking a quarter-life career change  but most are a good chunk younger than me. When I first virtually met them, I was really wrestling with some ugly parts of my heart and with insecurities in myself. Thoughts like, "I don't want to hang with the high schoolers. They're like 18 and I'm old." "They wont like me. They don't want to hang with the 30 year old." "I cannot relate to them. We have nothing in common." Yada, Yada, Yada.

What a load of junk. Sometimes I act like I am 12!

First off, most of them are in their early twenties so they're not as young as I thought. Second off, in the grand scheme of things we are all a lot more like than we are different. And by we, I don't just mean the group of conservatory students but rather everyone; the human race as a whole. We are so much more alike than different. We have so much more in common that binds us together than the differences that tend to create division; you know those things: race, ethnicity, beliefs, looks, background, interests, style, hobbies, etc. If people would be willing to put down their pride down long enough they would be able to see that and life would radiate so much joy as you breathe each breath of each new day.

Now lets get to this group specifically. I am so thankful that my ugly, insecure thoughts were WRONG! I am thankful to be found caught incorrect in my pride. Consider myself standing corrected! The Lord really showed me how lately I have been assuming the worst of people and that is an area of my heart I really am wanting Him to refine and work on in me this year. I can be so faithful for him to provide financially, career wise, and so on but man, I am lacking in faith for relationships. He showed me that I have not been trusting Him for provision for deep, intimate, real friendships. I have not been trusting him to bring in solid community. I don't want to put any focus on potential romantic relationships this year but I have not been trusting him in that arena either. I think that comes from being so brutally hurt by deep intimate relationships in various forms throughout my life. You cannot base your future hope on past disappointments. I have been doing just that and for that I greatly seek forgiveness from God and to any friends that may have been hurt or judged through my actions made out of the wellspring of a calloused heart. I am thankful He is revealing to me this weakness in my life that needs to be restored and healed. I am confident that He will be faithful to do that. I pray I grow tremendously in that area this year.

 I am so thankful for these beautiful souls already and I am just now getting to know them. And I am sure it will be the same when the remainder of the cast of Jonah get into town. What inspiring, incredible, mature, fun individuals. I look forward to getting to know them more intimately in one-on-one settings, getting to know their hearts, their desires, their disappointments, their scars, their hopes, their insecurities, their fears, their joys and having them care about mine in return. I look forward to working through hard stuff with them with the program and relationally as we navigate life together for a year. I look forward to watching them grow as humans, as believers, as performers and hopefully encouraging and loving them in any and every way possible that I am able. I pray that our relationships as friends, believers, students and performers glorifies Christ in the most beautiful way and as we do so I pray that He continues to reveal Himself and his glory to us in deep, passionate, intimate ways that spur us deeper and deeper in love with Him. Iron sharpens Iron; I am looking forward to having mutually encouraging and inspiring deep friendships with these 11 other wonderful people and learning to love them, love myself and love God more and more each day for who they are.