Come Hell or Highwater...

I knew it had been a good while since my last post but I didn't realize it was March! I have had so much that I did want to post about but a lot of it could be viewed in a negative light because this year has been so very hard- in a reefing, character-building type of fashion. I just know that in my transparency and vulnerability that things can come off negative and I never want to portray anything about this program or this year as bad-- it's just challenging-- so I have kept quiet. Plus, if I find any spare time, its usually used to make income, soak in a tub or sleep.

Hard: requiring a great deal of endurance or effort.
Hard: done with great force or strength.
Hard: potent, powerful, or intense, in particular.

Hard has so many negative connotations when you hear it but it is through the hard stuff that character is formed and good things come from persisting through hard things but sometimes it's easy during hard stuff to feel like you are drowning.

I cannot believe that it is almost the end of August! There are only four more months in the program before we graduate! We only have a few more months of Jonah and we will be closing the show and jumping into rehearsals for our second show: Miracle of Christmas. I anticipated at this point in the journey after 6 months of Jonah to be completely sick of it but surprisingly, I'm not. I still really enjoy the show and the Lord is continuously revealing new things to me each time we perform it.

As far as the conservatory, we are about a month and a half into our second semester of classes which include: ballet, musical theatre dance, acting, discipleship II, theatre history, Shakespeare, horsemanship, stage craft series, stage combat, voice lessons and singing for the stage. This semester is way heavier course load than last semester was and I think it caught us a little by surprise. So, I am adjusting to the more academic-time-consuming type work load demands.  We have so many big things that are a part of this semester: 2018 Contract auditions for Jesus in Lancaster, PA and Samson in Branson, MO were held on August 7, a large research paper for theatre history, putting on the play Twelve Angry Jurors for acting class, Miracle of Christmas rehearsals/show which we will have our own roles and no longer will be partnered, and preparing for show case/graduation as well as lining up auditions for next year so that we aren't poor any more after December in addition to putting on the 11 shows a week and our normal class and homework schedule.

This semester (well this year in general) is really stretching me. It seems like everything that could go wrong this year.. HAS!  I have had to really fight my flesh not to write or post about those things in great detail and give a lot of life to them. I had and continue to have to protect my mind and what I give life to (and I have often failed). I could write about how my car got hit when my family came to visit. I could write about how I lost the contract for my job and have no income to cover normal living expenses. I could write about every single day having to ask God to provide food, gas, monthly expenses, walking in faith. I could write about how I have a painful patella injury and had to see an orthopedist and attend PT several times a week which I had to pay self pay because I don't have any helpful insurance. I could write about all the other body injuries that have occurred from performing on a concrete stage and how some days I can barely walk because of my plantar fasciitis. I could write about how I have felt lonely and alone. I could write about my jealousy when I compare myself to others . I could write about my insecurities as I am trying to work on my craft. I could write about the conflicts that have had to be worked through with classmates. I could write about my exhaustion, mood swings, how I have had bad moments where I have snapped at people. I could write about feeling like a failure because I completely bombed my Shakespeare monologue in class. I could write about my anxieties after auditions for the 2018 season because I did not get a call back. I could write about how I didn't sleep for almost three weeks because of my anxiety at night.  I could write about how the person I loved for 7 years+ just got married to someone who wasn't me and how my wounds from that relationship are still there.  I could write about how I am currently at home in NC because my father got air lifted to CMC for a heart attack. I could write about how I absolutely 0 money and needed new tires to get home. I could write about the voices of doubt and negativity that fill my mind and I often believe. but I cant (outside of those mentions! ha). If I give them too much life it takes the focus on the power of the cross and what Jesus did for my redemption. I have had so many feelings this year-- good and bad. If I am honest probably more bad than good. My friend in the cast who is so wise told me "Blair, it is ok for you to feel. God made feelings. He feels. So yeah, go and feel what you need to feel but walk through it, feel it and move on-- don't allow your feelings to cause you to sin."  That hit the nail on head! We so often allow our feelings to cause us to sin against God and others. 

In discipleship with the most incredible teacher and friend I could ask for, we talked about denying Jesus and our great ability has humans, even as Christians, to relate to so much to the disciple Peter. I relate to him so very much. I think sometimes as believers and in our pride and esteem that we think, shame on Peter, how could he deny Jesus when the reality is that we deny him most of the days. We don't have to verbally with our words deny him literally but often our words, actions, thoughts and belief systems often deny him. For the past 2 weeks that has been my prayer. God... to be honest this journey has been so incredible and so awful all at the same time!  After hearing the news about my dad, I had hit my breaking point. That was enough for me. I just kept praying-- God, ok, I cannot do this anymore. This is enough BUT DO NOT LET ME DENY YOU. God, please, come hell or high water, come strength or struggle, in good or bad, please help me not to deny you in word, thought, or deed. I can FEEL angry at God-- He is a big boy. He can take it. And I am learning that it all starts with a conversation. It's ok to tell him your angry. It's ok to tell him you're hurt. It's ok to tell him that you feel like he is forsaking you or forgetting you. It's ok to feel those things but it's not ok to let those feelings cause you to sin-- to deny God. I am learning God wants to hear how you feel, even if you feel negatively but when you get to a place of shutting him out or turning your back or denying him...that is truly the Hard place. Life without the power of the Holy Spirit, the fathering of our Heavenly Father and the redemption of Jesus is a life of no-hope and utter despair. 

The Good news in my list of Hard: 

-I still don't have a job but some how money keeps showing up (art jobs, babysitting, gifts/support).

-My patella is not broken and can be improved with PT and Shirley (our PT) is amazing and patient.

-I have the best dressing room that rallies around me and prays for me and supports me when needed.

-Confessing your wrong doings and sins to others; asking for forgiveness and seeking to resolve conflict is never wasted. 

-I may not get a call back or contract but I did the best I could do and I learned a lot. 

-I got new sandals or inserts for the show and they have helped my plantar fasciitis and knee pain tremendously 

-I got a weighted blanket that has helped me sleep very well/reduce anxiety.

-The Lord provided new tires for me to come home and see my dad. And he got to come home today!They put in two stents and he seems to be doing ok! 

God is so good. Even in the Hard! Lord, no matter my circumstances, help me not to deny you. 

ASM

Here is a bit of an excerpt that I wrote as part of a guest blog for my classmate's blog. Time is really pressing so I figured I would share it here as well. Sorry for the lack of posting but time has been very full and when I am not performing, doing homework or trying to make income.... I'm usually soaking in a bathtub or passed out asleep. :) God bless you all!

God has me here to restore my life and to heal me. I truly believe that the Lord brought me here to heal some festering wounds from decisions on my part and uncaring, abusive decisions that others made. I truly am so thankful to be in such a loving place to learn, pursue the gifts and talents God gave me, and to have time to heal and figure out more and more about God’s character and his devout faithfulness to this undeserving daughter of His.

Being here has been so wonderfully thrilling, daunting, exciting, and terrifying all at once. I decided at age 30 to quit my safe job and walk away to spend a year studying and performing at a theatre with 11 young adults who are a good chunk  younger than me, living in a city where I knew basically no one and would not have any income to continue providing for the things that unfortunately do not go away just because you choose to pursue honing your craft in a conservatory environment.  It has been a great exercise in learning to trust the Lord as he literally has to meet my needs financially for food, health insurance, car, housing, etc while trying to pour every ounce of heart and hard work into every opportunity I am giving. The Lord has been graciously faithful to me to meet my needs and refresh my soul with his gentle spirit.

The conservatory experience has already taught me so very much and has stretched me in such wonderful ways. From the 11 shows of week which we perform at least 9 of those and when we are off we are diving into shadowing and working with other departments, learning any and every role we can to be able to swing for (Where you are ready to cover any role if they are out or need to be shifted), reading plays for independent study, and doing all our homework for our current classes which include: Viewpoints, Improv, Speech, Sight Singing, Singing for the Stage, Discipleship, Acting, Ballet and Musical Theatre Dance. Our teachers are so kind and wonderful. They truly want to see us succeed and grow but they do it with the kindness and compassion of Jesus which is really refreshing after spending the summer studying at a secular professional musical theatre conservatory in NYC.

Rehearsal process for Jonah going into opening our show for the public was such an eye opening experience of just how wonderful of a place that Sight & Sound really is and all the work that goes on in the background from back stage, deckhands, stage managers, costumes, makeup and hair, to the hardworking sales dept, janitorial staff, etc.  It’s mind boggling to think about what all happens, how fast it happens and the beauty of the heart that it happens with all so that the patrons that fill our seats may have an experience that truly touches their soul, prompts their hearts to reach out to Christ and prayerfully will ultimately change their eternity. It’s a blessing and honor to be a part of it and more times than not I feel extremely unworthy to be here but I am so thankful that God chose for me to be here.

For me, I am enjoying it all, even in the moments where I am cranky, tired, or facing something that pushes me out of my comfort zone or may even scare me (like driving the fisherman boats!) I am so thankful to be here. Sometimes, I find myself in the middle of a show just saying “Thank you God. I am so glad I’m here” -- Usually that happens during the storm scene when I am a wave puppeteer and during the Ocean scene when the Whale rushes over the crowd and I get to hear the cheers, and “oohs & ahhs” from the house of the theatre!

Above all, my absolute joy so far this year has been being a part of ASM-- After Show Ministry. After each show, the patrons are invited to come up the front for prayer for anything they may need prayer for or to dedicate their lives to Jesus Christ. So far, I have had the great privilege to pray for 4 different families and it has been truly beautiful to help carry their hearts, burdens, sorrows to the almighty King and to rush His throne room with thanksgiving and request to lay at His feet. Most days we are at the theatre for 12 hours days or more if we need to stay and rehearse then I usually leave and go home and do homework and try to do some work where ever possible to make some income. Amongst all that mixed in with exhaustion and sometimes hanger (Hungry anger! lol), It can be really easy to lose focus on what matters most and what we are here for. ASM truly keeps me in true perspective. I am so very thankful and look forward to covering many families in prayer. I pray that the Lord continues to work in all of our hearts cast, employees and patrons alike as He is faithful to complete the work that He has already begun in us! God bless!

One year ago today... One week from today...

Playing Glinda at Footlight Theatre with my ECBC Community Group who encouraged me (along with many others!). I literally would not be here without them.

One year ago today, I had the pleasure of being in my first show with a local community theatre in Charleston, SC. I finally walked away from someone who was always telling me what I could/should and couldn't/shouldn't do and finally started the process of figuring ME out including who I was, what I wanted and what I did not want and more importantly who I was in Christ, what Christ wanted and did not want for me. It was a beautiful day to be walking into Footlight Theatre, FEELING COMPLETELY FREE FROM THE CHAINS THAT HAD BOUND ME SO STINKING LONG, to play Glinda the Good Witch in a children's montage show of Dorothy in Wonderland where the two worlds of Oz and Wonderland collide. I had been in the middle of life coaching with the wonderful Robyn Agnew of iThrive Life Coaching and I had just said to her "I want to get back into performing. BUT only as a hobby though. I definitely do not want it to be a career."  Deep inside, I knew I wanted it as a career. Those words were merely just a defense mechanism because I was terrified. Singing was the one thing in my life I was confident that I was decent at and could do and I desperately did not want someone to take that away from me. It would crush m to get to an audition and have someone tell me I just was not enough. A year ago today, I was in the middle of the show run for Dorothy in Wonderland and I knew. I knew I had to do it. I knew it was now or never and I had to give it a chance. I did not pursue this in school because I was scared of rejection, thought I should make a wiser adult career choice and was in the expectation that I would be married and have 78 kids by the time I was 30. (ha!) Boy was a I wrong. I am so thankful for second chances and for a God that creates us for specific purposes. I am thankful that He knows what we need and that He is good and faithful to reveal those things to us in his good time.

That was a year ago. After 7 years of no singing and/or inconsistent singing and chasing things that were not meant for me, I finally started this crazy journey which lead then to doing two shows with AFTC for Piccolo Spoletto and the MOJA Festivals in Charleston as well as studying at Professional Musical Theatre Conservatory in NYC this summer. Now, I'm here. I live in Pennsylvania now and we open Jonah in one week. Our friends and family preview day takes place on Friday and we open the show on Saturday! WHAT?! How did this all happen? How did I get here?! And where is the time going? It is blowing my mind that I have almost been here for two months and we open in just a few short (and by short, I mean long, grueling rehearsal filled) days. I cannot praise God enough. I thank Him for this journey and for His good provision. If you are reading this, I know you most likely had a huge part in that. I am thankful for your prayers and provision. I am thankful for your love and encouragement. Thank you for being a part of my story and allowing me to be a part of yours!

I think this year is honestly going to be more so about the work that He is doing in my heart rather than my acting/performing skills (though I pray those grow exponentially as well.) The Lord is healing a lot of damage that was done in my young adult life whether that be from ill-meaning or well-meaning people; damage is damage. I am excited about how God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit are working in my life and healing and restoring things in his time with his goodness, faithfulness, love and mercy. I am thankful for the specific people He has placed in my life in this time whether it be for a season or a life time. I am thankful for people who graciously love me and speak truth into me. Who don't put up with my non-sense or allow me to believe/speak lies about myself or live life believing the lies that people and Satan has spoke to me or over my life. I am thankful for the Life that they breathe into my life. I am thankful for the mercy they exude even in the littlest of actions. God is good and knows what he is doing. He knows what we need and it is my prayer that I allow him to work in me. I want to allow him to create a clean heart in me and remove the ugly that is so deeply rooted in my heart. I am thankful to be here even on days when it is hard. I am thankful for the areas where I am aware that I am weak and need to grow emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I am thankful that awareness can lead me to healing and change if I choose it to. Holy Spirit, I want it to! I desire it too. I pray that the Holy Spirit fills me. I want to engage in worship that ushers out shame and sin by the Holy Spirit's presence. I want to be so filled with the Holy Spirit that there is no room for wrong lie-rooted belief systems to be inside of me.

As we open the show, I will post some pictures of costumes and things of that nature but for now it must remain a mystery just like the depths of my heart and my wrong thinking that the Lord is continuing to mold and change due to his grace and goodness.

The Christie/Dixon Team. Gabbi is my track partner aka my other half this year! She is a beautiful lady and is so radiant when she is on the stage. I am so thankful to share this spot with her this year.

Some dressing room truths! Made this sign that sits right in front of me at my dressing room mirror.

So thankful to be a part of this journey. Everyone from the director, to costume/hair, to stage management, and everyone in between-- they are completely mind blowing. Truly phenomenal-- opening day, here we come!

A whole lot of STANK.

Clearly, I am due for a new update on the blog. Trust me, I have not forgotten about you all out there. People told me not to "forget the small people" and believe me I have not forgotten you and I am not large. I never will be. I am the small people. I am so small. I am just a speck in this huge world that the Lord created.  And that is ok because he uses the small and ordinary to accomplish truly incredible things. I am a part of the big picture and for that, I am thankful. (Side note is... I would not be here if it weren't for you reading this blog. Literally, it wouldn't have been possible if the Lord did not put it on your heart to help me get here whether that be financially through support, giving me a job, praying for me, sending gift cards for my food, sending love, etc. You are so much bigger than you give yourself credit for.)

I have not posted the whole month of February and I am sorry for that BUT, I truly have been leaning into the Lord on what he wanted me to post. I kept asking Him what he wanted me to write about or touch on and I have gotten silence. Or....if I'm honest, I think my ears were plugged. I was focused on the bad, the lack, the disappointments, the loneliness, and the hard. He needed to do some redemptive work in me. The last few weeks have been going head on fast- We are quick charging forward with all day rehearsals and loads of information. After all, this is a learning year for me. It's something new, something challenging, in a new place, with new skill sets, new people, new emotions, new fears, new normal, lacking people I love, comforts I desire and familiar things that bring me joy. In all that comes the reality that it's not all easy. God tells us that life as believer won't be easy. There will be trials and tribulation.  I must confess that I haven't updated the blog in the last few weeks because I am confident that as I am learning this new normal that my heart has not been softened to the Holy Spirit, my attitude puffed up by selfish and sinful desires, ugly pride as raged in my spirit and my mind focused on the lack rather than the gift. The last thing I wanted to do was post a negative post or give a perspective that I was not having fun, learning lots or thankful for the opportunity to be here. I am all of those things. I just needed a perspective shift & a huge gut check!

I truly beg of you--Do not misread this or get me wrong. The last few weeks, and being here experiencing this, is absolutely incredible and I thank God for the gift but it has been tough. I would consider the last few weeks a major pruning period in my heart. Sometimes, we need to and have to take a step back to let God reveal things to us and this was the first of many that I am sure I will need as I go through this year. Unfortunately, sometimes God reveals things to us through our disobedience, pride and selfishness. For that, I am truly broken hearted BUT GOD is good. BUT GOD is merciful and gracious. He is Kind and Good. He is Loving and Gracious. He is forgiving and ever faithful. For that I am so thankful. I am thankful that every time I sin he has room for me in His arms to love me and a heart wants to redeem me. I praise Him for being a God that does not waste anything. He chooses to use my foolishness in a way that is for my good and ultimately for His glory.

Rehearsals have been stretching to me as a person and a performer. I am learning ways that I have fallen short or not taken advantage of the time that I have here. The Lord has shown me ways that I have been distracted or unengaged so as we continue on, I am excited to tighten those things up and really grow leaps and bounds this year as I go through each day yielding to the Holy Spirit and what He wants to do in me and through me this year at Sight & Sound.  I want every day to follow His leading & have the fruit bearing that is because of His Holy Spirit dwelling in me. Any other fruit will wither & die. I want to put in my best efforts, all day- everyday, and Trust God with the results.

Since I this realization of my STANK (& I do mean, STANK!!) attitude that I had festering inside of me and confessed it to Jesus, I cannot tell you the beauty that my eyes have been opened to. I am thankful to be here. I am thankful to be challenged. I am thankful to grow. I am thankful for the opportunity to love on people when they are tired, weak or dealing with disappointment. I am thankful to be able to speak truth. I am thankful to have people speak truth into me. I am thankful for second chances. I am thankful for talents and gifts He chooses to give to us that He didn't have to give. I am thankful for a God who loves me enough to show me when I am being ugly. You know, I am a lot like Jonah. His heart was so callused and hardened toward Nineveh.  His attitude was ungracious and unkind. His wounds from disappointment and hurt festered with hate and pride. I am so much like Him and I look forward to letting the Lord reveal more and more to me, clean me out, and put more and more of Himself into me.

I would greatly appreciate and covet your prayers for strength, endurance and energy. In addition, wisdom on how to best learn and grow as well as managing my time. Focus and clarity so that I can pay attention to all that I need to pay attention to. Discernment on how to deal with things and life outside of the theatre and how to make honoring choices that draw me closer to God. Continued provision for finances and for anxiety to be yielding to Christ as I am entering into the months where I do not have savings or provision ahead of time.  He tells me not to worry about what I am to eat or drink or wear. His words are for a reason and they are worth me trusting as unwavering truth. Strength to not care so much what others think or say about me but staying true, content and satisfied on what God has to say about me. Discipline and good stewardship in my work ethic, kindness, talents, time, finances and love; all yielding to the holy spirit.

Please email me or message me and let me know what is going on with you all. I do love and miss you. I am sorry I haven't been able to reach out as much as I would like to. I will attempt to be better. Please read this as if it were a personal conversation over coffee. Know that is my heart for all of you. You are loved and very valued in my heart.

And Christie Dixon was born!

I want the main focus of my blogging throughout my year to not only as an update for those all over who have supported me and made this a reality but I want it mostly to point out the beauty of Christ as I go through each day. I pray it honors him, reflects him and proclaims His goodness above anything else. Each day as I am seeking the beauty of Christ, I am starting to see it more and more in the people around me. It is my prayer that my heart would be in tune to how the people around me are made in His image.... and as someone who is often hard on herself, I hope I grow to see it in myself as well.  I want to dedicate this blog specifically to one lady whom I have witnessed the beauty of Christ:

     Gabrielle Dixon.

 Isn't she absolutely radiant and stunning?!

Today was our first day of choreography and vocal rehearsals for Jonah. It was an incredible day where the whole cast met this morning at a ball room to learn the whole cast numbers for two songs. Then we spent the afternoon with our music director.

For the 12 conservatory students, we will be balancing a schedule where we will share roles with a track partner. When they're on stage performing our primary roles, I either will be in class, shadowing other departments or swinging for other roles. I am so thankful that my track partner is Gabbi!  I cannot thank God enough for that provision. Having a track partner has potential to be a difficult thing because you have to switch in and out while learning your blocking, choreography etc. It could be a very easy place for pride or selfishness to creep in. It easily could be a place where I could feel entitled to a spot to rehearse or could house jealousy, pride, envy, or even disappointment for one reason or another. I am so thankful to have someone like Gabbi to be my partner. She is full of energy, passion, and joy. Her laugh is contagious and she is generous, selfless and encouraging with sharing the stage/spot with me. We alternate and help each other through our choreography. It was such a blessing. If she fails, I fail. If she succeeds, I succeed.

The best part today was when our director was calling up performers to place them in their positions and he called for Christie Dixon. There was no response. He kept looking around. Again, "Christie Dixon." Gabbi and I looked at each other like...."hmm.. who is Christie Dixon? We haven't met her yet." Turns out--Christie Dixon is us.  (Christie/Dixon-- not Christie Dixon) Today, Christie Dixon was born and I am so thankful to be a part of that team.

Gabbi, you're a beautiful soul and I cannot wait to spend this year with you through good and bad growing as people, believers and performers. You inspire me. You reflect the beauty of Christ and especially the passion of Christ for people who are oppressed or are facing injustice. That is one of the many things about you that stretches me and inspires me to be better. I love you. Cheers to a good year of being twins and adding some thickness to the stage! ha!

All the Feelings

Today was the first day of rehearsals for Jonah. All the cast is now in town and we were all in one room to begin the rehearsal season for this year. We will have 6 weeks of 8 hour long rehearsal blocks for 6 days a week until opening day of Jonah. I know that this is going to be an incredible learning experience as a person, performer and most importantly as a believer and follower of Christ.

Today contained so many emotions for me:

• Elated joy as we got to do our script read through and I got to meet all the professional actors who bring this story to life
• Fear as I met those professional actors and was wondering how I am going to fit in the big picture or the common people pleaser concern of "will they like me?" (When really I just need to be worried about pleasing God rather than man...)
• Internal struggle as I fight of selfishness, pride or disappointment for one reason or another (hey, I am only human. It's in there)
• Disappointment as we talked about holidays realizing there is a chance I may not get to see my family for holidays this year (and that brings tears to my eyes as I type this--that means no annual thanksgiving sleep over with my niece and nephew)
• Utter Joy as I finally am beginning day one of the things that I used to dream about
• Sadness as my best friends birthday is coming up on Wednesday and she is 13 hours away from me and I just want to be there to celebrate her life with her
• Awe and thankfulness as we prayed, read through scripture and the script of Jonah and I was reminded of God's mercy and faithfulness in my own life
• Anxiety as I looked at my bank account and wonder how the Lord is going to provide my needs for the next month much less the rest of the year
• insecurities as I am stepping into something completely new and unknown
• tension as I look at the schedule that is to come between the show, school, homework and working/making income to live and other life errands.
• Humbleness that God would see it fit to choose me to be a part of something so magnificent
• Hope for the future as far as opportunities to use my gifts to glorify Him and proclaim the glorious news of what He did on the cross
• Inspiration as I heard stories of veteran performers who have been ministering on the stage of sight and sound for many years and how the Lord has been faithful to work there in the lives of performers, employees, and guests.

There are so many feelings good and bad and I just want to commit all my joys and sorrows and worries unto Him.

He cares. He is good. He is faithful. He is loving. He is kind. He is worthy of my trust. I shall not fear. He cares about me. He is good to me. He is faithful to me.  He is kind to me. I will trust Him. I will not fear. I will not keep my eyes on my circumstances or let the feelings overwhelm, undermine or overtake my faith. I serve a mighty, faithful, loving God. He brought me here, he will take care of the rest... even the soothing of my wearing, aching heart that is missing people I love. I am so thankful I have an Abba Father who loves me so deeply and passionately.

Excited to begin this process.... what I have always dreamed. I am humbled & honored to be here--even with all these crazy, all over the place, roller coaster feels! I am thankful he created me to feel deeply and that I am learning to value that rather than thinking it a curse. I pray it is a gift to my craft as I learn and grow this year.

No Room for Doubt

I know how fast time flies when you're having fun, you're busy and doing what you love. I truly cannot believe that we have finished week two already! Before we know it, the year will be over and it will seem like a complete whirlwind. I want to make sure that I soak up everything I can and enjoy it all.

We have been in classes for the past two weeks and now classes will take a brief pause because all the cast is finally in town and we will begin our official rehearsals for Jonah on Monday!  For the next six weeks, we will be in rehearsals so that we can open in March! We got our primary track and role assignments as well as getting the opportunity to be swings for a few shows a week. (For those who don't know this term, a swing is when you learn someone else's track/part and you are on standby ready to fill in for them if it is needed.) This is such a demanding and valuable skill set and I am so thankful that we get the opportunity to learn this year in this incredibly special place. If I am going to jump in feet first into something intimidating and overwhelming like learning primary roles and being a swing as well in 9 to 11 shows a week and  being a student on top of that and managing a homework load... there is NO better place to do it. This place is loving, encouraging, helpful, supportive all while being incredibly professional and top of the line. Its going to be a challenging year of growth but so exciting!

I have no doubt that I am where I am supposed to be especially along side with these 11 younger classmates of mine. I have had some serious humble pie as some of them have asked to meet one on one and they share their hearts with me; trusting me with their hearts as they are vulnerable, raw and pure. Its my prayer that I love them well, with no judgment or condemnation, that I cry when they cry, rejoice when they rejoice and always point them to Jesus. I pray that if I must speak truth that I always do so in love and they leave me encouraged and with their eyes fixed on God and their thoughts fixated on the gospel. I pray they always leave me feeling encouraged and loved. I am excited to watch them grow in faith and in skill this year. Not only have I gotten to love them and pour into them and had opportunity to speak the truth in love to them, they've done it to me.

Thursday was my first hard day of this program for me. I was really struggling with my beauty. That is something I have always struggled with my whole life. Never feeling adequate enough in my physical appearance or my desirability. I struggle with feeling so inadequate, unfeminine and undesirable not only romantically as a future spouse but even for future roles especially lead or supporting roles. I have constantly compared myself to other women, asked God why he made me physically the way he did, and self-criticized every part of my being. I am thankful for how I have grown in this area and that I am not where I was but this is an area I want victory in this year. I want to see myself as Christ intends. On top of that inner struggle, I had to share my testimony. I have a redeemed life but my life has not always been honoring to God. It has been far from perfect (and never will be perfect!). I have been through some really hard moments so retelling that just drained me. I am thankful for my story because the story and redemption of the cross is for me and I am so thankful. I was emotionally spent. It was the first hard day and I know it will not be my last. I am thankful to serve a God though that reveals beautiful things in hard moments as he refines us and chisels away the things that do not reflect Him. Even though it is painful and uncomfortable, he is faithful in it. He is faithful to complete the good work He began in us. I am thankful that He promises to never leave me nor forsake me. As stated in the previous paragraph, they have spoken love to me. One person in particular noticed my struggle and as gone out of their way to let me know I am loved and not alone. A little effort to let people know their worth, the truth of the Gospel of Jesus Christ or just taking the time to tell someone when you see something beautiful in them is never wasted. You know who you are...thank you for loving me well in those moments this week.

As we come to this Friday, the end of week two, I am beyond worn out already and my voice is incredibly tired. Though it hurts, It's beautiful. It doesn't hurt from singing too much. It hurts from talking and laughing. I have been talking non-stop for two weeks... sharing my story, encouraging others in their stories, proclaiming the Goodness of God, joking, laughing harder than I have laughed in probably 10 years and being allowed to laugh. Being embraced for who I am when I for so long was in a manipulative relationship where I was not allowed to be that; who I was never was enough. Though it is sore, It is a sign of God's faithfulness and provision glorious redemption in my life and for that, I am beyond humbled for his blessings in this season.

This weeks blessings are in such small details. The little ways God has reminded me he has me. My work text me and told me they hired someone. That means my job working remotely could possibly end at anytime. That naturally in my human nature, of course, freaked me out for a moment. It caused me some anxiety seeing as that was what I was counting on so I can cover my monthly living expenses this year. Otherwise, after February and part of March, its going to literally be trusting the Lord for my daily bread. I know he meets all my needs and he is  my ultimate provider. I grew anxious when I heard that news and recommitted it to Him.  I want to lean on him with all my heart.  Then he shows me with grace, not as a genie but as an almighty, loving, caring, gracious father who provides and pursues his kids, that He is in control. When I got home I came home to a package from a church friend back home with 80 bucks included. I needed a lamp for my room, I got a 26.00 dollar lamp for 4 bucks- No clue why. Absolutely nothing was wrong with it. I got treated to two coffee dates with people who shared their soul and also let me bear mine; one of which was with a cast member who I feel I have known forever and I know is going to grow into an incredibly deep friendship that is mutually satisfying in effort to honor the Lord and push each other to be our best as performers. We got fed two meals while at sight and sound this week. I got a post card in the mail with encouragement. I got asked to do two pieces of art work this week for some income. This past weekend, we also got to go as a group and see a free show with free dinner! He is faithful and I have no place in my heart that should doubt Him. I pray that My heart grows more and more filled with his love that doubt literally can never reside there. Whenever I doubt, I pray I am quick to be reminded either from myself, his holy spirit or believers around me that He has me and I need not worry. Greater is He who is in me than He who is in this world.

So excited to jump in fully into Jonah! A beautiful depiction of God's grace and mercy for our lives! I am excited about claiming that each day as my own story as I go through this show through rehearsals and performances and I pray that the other cast members, employees and guest that come to the show do the same.

A Year of Antiseptic.

I got the mom reminder the other day during our phone conversation reminding me that I have not updated my blog recently and reminding me that there are people who are waiting for my next update. My, my, my. Didn't know any one was reading.

Dear Great Mass of Followers (Yes, All 6 of you. Hi mom. Hi dad.),

Please forgive me for my absence. I will post as often as I am able but I know that time will scarce as we truly dive head first into everything. I greatly appreciate all the love and support that all of you have given me during this whole endeavor from encouraging me to start singing again,  financial support and texts/calls letting me know you are thinking of me especially those who are lifting me up in prayer. I am extremely grateful for that more so than anything else.  I cannot fathom a better gift than someone approaching the throne of God on my behalf so thank you for your prayers and love. Though I may not post every day, know that I am thinking of you all and I am thankful for you all. I truly would not be here if it were not for each of you and the manner that you supported me and had my back. I am truly thankful.

It is Monday morning and we are heading into week two of class at Sight & Sound conservatory. Today I had an 8:30 voice lesson. WOOF. Me and mornings scrap all the time but an 8:30 voice lesson-- yikes. We are gonna throw some bows! This is a great area I look forward to growing in though! I will overcome.  - It has all been a whirlwind since I got here. Week one of classes and orientation was absolutely incredible. Coming to Sight & Sound, I was unsure of what I was getting myself into. I didn't know what type of valuable training I would get, the kind of people I would be around or if I would flourish and grow. I cannot thank the Lord enough for this place and the type of fertile soil/foundation that is available for me here if I work hard and truly take advantage of what is available to me.  It is my prayer that I walk out faithful obedience to Christ and his word as I walk out this year and seek to grow my talents and serve people around me.

The Mission of Sight & Sound: "Our mission is to present the Gospel of Jesus Christ and sow the Word of God into the lives of our customers, guests, and fellow workers by visualizing and dramatizing the scriptures, through inspirational productions, encouraging others and seeking always to be dedicated and wise stewards of our God-given talents and resources."

Talk about something that is easy to support! I knew that as far as my Christian walk that this would be a place I would grow but I wasn't super confident about the capacity and level of training I would be getting and now that week one of our classes are behind us I could not be more thrilled. I think this will be a perfect place to build a foundation as a performer and get some incredible professional experience behind my belt.

I keep feeling the Lord tell me and quicken my spirit saying "Blair, you're home" or "This is your home." I am trying really hard not to let my mind and heart go to places that it shouldn't with that. As of this moment today, week one under my belt, I can absolutely say that I would love to call Sight & Sound my home for my career forever but I do know that I will grow and change and things may come my way. I know this place is not perfect but it sure is wonderful to be surrounded by people who truly exemplify the joy of the Lord. All of us conservatory students are excited but that is to be expected but not only us, the people who have been here for 20 years have the most genuine smiles on their faces. They radiate joy as they go about their every day task. That thought to me just makes my heart leap.  I want to protect my heart from anger towards God as well. I would hate to get my eyes set on being employed here at Sight & Sound and then find that to not be the case next year and hold a grudge against the Lord saying "but you said this was my home!"  I want to be open to the Lord to move. I want to be open to his leading and his direction. I do think this is my home. It may be just be for this year. It may be Sight & Sound for 30 years. It may just be Lancaster, PA. It may be the fact that I'm finally pursuing what I'm created to do. I don't know what that means exactly but I do feel a great comfort and peace each time I feel the Lord press that on my heart. I can feel the Lord next to me and pursuing me in ways that I have never felt before and it is my ultimate prayer that I would pursue Him with all my might each day this year. As of now, this is where I see myself and want to be career wise. I do hope that the Lord continues to open doors for but more so if he says no to this, I want to look at him with bold confidence and say "Ok, Lord. Let's go. Where to next?" I want to soak up every ounce of everything I can while this is my home.

Last week in Review

Monday, January 16- The day had finally come that we had all been awaiting with great anticipation. Day one of our career at Sight & Sound. I am so thankful that we had opportunities to hang out with one another the week before so that we did not have to worry about meeting and making new friends in addition to the nerves of all the things that were part of the program. Day one was so special. You could tell as you walked the halls of Sight & Sound and met each performer, employee and teacher that we were in a special place; a place that isn't perfect but where Christ is exalted and excellence built on the word of God were the foundation. It was beautiful & exciting. We toured the facilities which are so incredibly large I cannot even fathom how long it's going to take to learn my way around. It is probably the only time in my life where I would consider being microchipped a good idea. Someone please find Blair; she is lost. Then we met our professors, got fitted for shoes and just delighted in the fact that this was really our reality!

Tuesday, January 17- Day one of classes. This was the moment of truth. This is where we were going to find out just a taste of what was in store for us this year and it was absolutely incredible. Our first day of classes started with me arriving early for my official costume fitting. I cannot describe how cool it was to go from shows where we have to come up with our own make-shift costumes to standing on a pedestal for 2 hours while every inch of me was being measured and perfectly costumed. I have 3 incredible wigs of long beautiful hair. It truly was breath taking to think about. The costuming department here at sight & sound as well as hair and make up are truly phenomenal! I was blown away. After our 2 hour fittings, we had Ballet Class, Meet and greet with all of our Stage Management team for Jonah, Stage Makeup 101 as well as Sight Singing/Theory. The day was long and exhausting but completely satisfying. I just kept having moments where I was saying "Man, Lord I am thankful." I am thankful for 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 20th chances to start over. I am thankful for the Lord creating us in his image. I am thankful for us having specific joys and passions. I am thankful for fertile soil to grow in with teachers who truly love and care for me because they truly love and care for the Lord. I am so thankful. Thank you Lord for opening this door!

Wednesday, January 18- Musical Theatre Dance! So. Fun! We did a combo to footloose and it was such a blast to know that I was in a safe environment to take risk, grow and change and try my best. I promised myself I would work hard and not compare myself to other people and I just did my best. I am truly looking forward to this class so much. I cannot wait to grow as a dancer. Following MT dance, we got to have discipleship. I think I am going to be so thankful for this class. We are going to be reading a book and talking about our lives, struggles, joys, heartaches, etc. in relation to the Lord and what Jesus Christ did for us on the cross. Half of the group shared their testimonies and the other half will go this week. I got to see a glimpse of them, their hearts, their joys, their scars but more importantly I got to see the beauty of the cross in each of their stories. I am so looking forward to hearing more and also getting the opportunity to share my story. It's not beautiful or lovely. I have been through a lot but man it makes the redemption of the cross so much more amazing when I share it all honestly. I hope I don't scare them away or make them think poorly of me and it is my ultimate prayer that I put the main focus on the main thing: THE VICTORY OF THE GOSPEL and HOW THAT IS MY STORY!!  - Then we had Acting. This was the first opportunity that we had to perform for each other. We all had to perform a monologue in front of the whole class. This can be stressful because of our human nature to 1) compare ourselves 2) toot our own horn 3) belittle ourselves 4) sabotage ourselves (or maybe for some sabotage others.) I am so used to cut-throat ugly environments when it comes to performers. It was so incredible watch these 11 other incredible performers bear their souls and show their talents in their monologues. Every single one of them is incredibly talented here in the beginning but I just know by the end of the year we are going to have pruned, snipped, tucked, groomed and grown in so many ways. My prayer is that our roots are deep, deep, deep, DEEP rooted in Christ and our identity and worth in him so that our fruit continues to bear fruit after fruit after fruit in a manner that glorifies Christ in the greatest way humanly possible.

Thursday, January 19- Viewpoints. I think this is probably going to be one of the most helpful, eye opening classes for me and probably for the others. Learning how we communicate with our bodies, being in tune with the cast/class as a whole and how we authentically communicate the story with each other and with the audience. I think this class has potential to frustrate me because it's a weak area but I am so honored and eager to grow and be pruned in this area. Then this was followed by Old Age 101 Stage Make up class. This was probably one of the coolest things ever! We got to work with Tom, one of the principle actors who plays Jonah this year, to learn how to age ourselves very quickly and let me tell you that got old fast! It was so cool learn how and to appreciate all the details that go into show make up.

Friday, January 20- Last day of the week was finished up with Speech class and Improv. Both of which I think will also grow and stretch me in incredible ways as a performer. It was these classes that made me stop and thank the Lord for the path that I am on. I know my path has not been perfect and there have been seasons of my life that I wish I could erase but its in these classes as I dig into myself and my life that I am seeing that God is good and faithful and He DOES NOT WASTE ANYTHING; even the most horrid of experiences. I do believe he will use them for my good and his glory. I do believe that he is who he says he is. I do believe the words of Psalm 43:10 that those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. I am trust Him that he has me. I am trusting that he is trustworthy. I am trusting that he is good. and faithful. and kind. and loving. and delights in me. And I am especially trusting that he will continue to work in my heart so that I delight in him in return.

Classes were an incredible part of the week but I honestly think my favorite part was getting to love on and be loved on by the 11 other young people who are in the conservatory with me. I have shared this with most of them but coming into this program, my heart was so ugly. I didn't want to be in school with those "youngins."  I was not planning on being friends with them and how dare they expect me to. My heart was hard, ugly, sinful, prideful and just not attractive. As soon as I got hugged by the first student (WES) my heart melted and I fell in love. I truly have been worked on in such a beautiful way by Jesus. I cannot express just how much  I love them. I love them more this week than I could've expected to love them at the END of this year. I would do anything for them. They are my family. The best part of the week for me was getting one-on-one or some small group time with some of them. I got to really hear their stories; intimate details of deep sorrows, ongoing disappointments, grief, guilt, heartache. I got to also hear their greatest accomplishments, their loves, their passions, their dreams and hopes. Some of them shared things they were scared to share with the whole group and some shared things with me that they've never shared with anyone for fear of someone judging, misunderstanding or criticizing. I get that. I don't know why they chose me but I am thankful. God is doing a work in me and my heart and revealing his grace every day that someone chooses to love me and trust me. God is showing me more and more of his glory. He is filling me with great love for them, compassion for their story, empathy for their hurting hearts and showing me how he loves ME; undeserving, unworthy, me that if it were up to my vices would be stuck in the depravity, muck, mire and sin of my filthy life. I see where they are. I understand and hurt when they hurt, cry when they cry, smile with they smile, laugh when they laugh. I See them in places where I have been and some places where I stood stuck for way too long. I also see them in places where they are mature and wise beyond their years and I praise the Lord for them learning those things at such a young age. My whole life I lived with a mask over my face out of fear of someone hating me or not liking me. I lived my life scared of being who I was because it wouldn't be good enough. I lived my life pretending I was perfect and had it all together and the truth is I just did not. And I still do not and never will. It is my prayer that they can trust me and be encouraged by me that it is OK not to be perfect, that it is OK not to be OK and that they are sinners who have a place in victory because of what Christ did for THEM. I want to encourage them that it is THEIR story in Jesus. I hope I grow in that confidence too. There were also moments where they steppe dup and listened to me. They encouraged my scarred, wounded heart. I think this year is going to be a year of breaking us down, bu9ilding us up and cleaning out some festering wounds that will lead to ultimate healing. Like cleaning out a wound with antiseptic cleaner: IT HURTS LIKE THE DICKENS but it's for the greater good and our wellbeing. I am looking forward to walking out that beautiful, healing process with these beautiful people at this incredible place. 

 

Day One in the Books!

Today was magical.

First off because I woke up at 7:00 (what? - if you know me, you need no explanation). I made my bed, took a shower, talked to God about my heart for the day, made coffee, made breakfast, and defrosted my windshield. And was EARLY for my arrival time at the theatre! Oh, and I lotioned. And you know how I loathe lotion!

This is a big deal for me. Not only because it's not my norm to be this productive and successful in the morning but because I prayed to God to help me arise early, help me to have a heart that is eager to serve him and do the necessary things. I prayed for my heart to be inclined to acknowledge him first and it was. Usually, it seems I don't have a coherent thought until 11:00... or 12:00... or 1:00; all varying with the amount of coffee consumption I have partaken in.

That's all before my day at Sight & Sound even began!

Today was truly a dream come true. I showed up with 11 people who not only are like minded in Christ-world view but also theatre lovers. It's a beautiful energy that we share. We had our tour of the facilities which is truly mind blowing. I probably won't learn my way around that place until half way through the year- even then I will consider myself victorious. That could be one serious game of Marco Polo. Help, someone come find me. As we walked along the corridors of the building throughout all the amazing, mind blowing departments I could not help but to get giddy-- but I about LOST IT (ok, I did in fact lose it) when I saw my shelf with three wigs on it and my name. Blair Christie. There it was! My heart fluttered. I cannot wait to be a part of this.

Following that joy of seeing backstage at the place where the bible comes to life, we met with HR, got a cool swag bag and completed some paperwork, etc. That may be the "not so fun part" but it was so exciting to all of us. As we wrote it became a dream to a reality to us and for that we all have thank and praise God. We spent the afternoon meeting some of our teachers, Sight & Sound staff, got our badges and had our dance shoe fittings.

I am looking forward to another day of waking up eager and anxious with joy to serve the Lord with gladness as He has been so faithful to bring me to this season of my life. And though some past seasons may not have been as enjoyable, I praise Him for them too. They formed me and my character. They chiseled away at the ugly, not so attractive and not so God-honoring parts. They challenged my faith and even took me to dark times where I had no where to turn but to the Lord. For it was those seasons that were the key to be understanding my total depravity without God; one of the greatest things I have come to know! A life changing, empowering realization and truth that propels me into the hope that is available with the cross! I am so thankful He is faithful to walk with me through joys and sorrows, victories and triumphs, defeats and despair. I am thankful for this new season too. As we get our assignments, and the work begins to flow in I am reminded that though this is a beautiful and joyful season, hardships will come. Its inevitable. I am not naïve enough to believe that it will be a season without challenging, sometimes frustrating, and a beautifully painful experience of growth; growth in Christ, growth as brothers and sisters in Christ, growth in figuring out how to navigate relationships and working together on and off stage, growth as performers, growth as individuals, growth in confidence, growth in understanding our weaknesses and areas to improve on. I am so excited for the rich, Christ-honoring, fertile foundation that I will have here with Sight & Sound conservatory!

I will SING to the LORD as long as I live. Psalm 104:33

Tomorrow is the day. When I wake up, it will be day one of Sight & Sound Conservatory. We have our orientation tomorrow, welcome lunch, tour and dance shoe fittings. I am blessed to already have met all but one of the conservatory students so I am thankful that lessons the anxiety of the day since I don't have to meet new people but rather await eager and excited to go through the good times and hardships of the year with them as friends, brothers and sisters and growing into successful performers. I already know they are wonderful so it leaves me with excitement and joy!

Today was a beautiful Sunday. This morning most of us students woke up and met to attend church together. It was a really great experience getting to worship with them and beginning to try out churches in the area to see which one would be a good fit for me spiritually while I am here in Lancaster, PA. Solid bible believing, bible preaching church community is so important to me and a necessity. If you could join me in praying for God's leading on where He would like for me to attend and serve at regularly I would greatly appreciate it.

So, this morning we were all at church and of course when you are a church you sing and worship. There is no greater feeling to me than singing at the top of your lungs, not caring what you sound like and just making a joyful noise with all your being. This morning I found it hard to worship like that. Here I am sitting beside and behind rows full of conservatory students; all of which I have not heard sing before but they got in, so I know they can! And I found myself paralyzed to worship in that manner that I desire to. I found my mind already comparing my singing to the singing of the 11 other individuals around me. Comparison is a thief and robber of joy. I am so thankful I had this opportunity to experience this at church this morning because the Lord revealed to me an area of my heart that could be an issue this year as I go thought his program. It was also a struggle when I completed my program in NYC this summer. I do not think that I am alone in this. In life, we tend to look to our right and look to our left and compare our worse with someone else's best. In the grand scheme of things, we are comparing lemons to apples. Somehow that doesn't seem enough of a difference... It's like comparing lemons to puppies. They are both so incredibly beautiful and delightful and wonderful in their own ways. They both have purpose and characteristics to them even though they are radically different. And it is the same with us.  God gave me my voice. My voice is not like any others. I know for a fact that there will be moments during this year (lets be real...probably this week) where I hear a fellow class mate sing, dance, or act and I will question myself. I will doubt the Lord's gifts that he has given me, my decisions to come here, and forget His faithfulness to make my path clear to come here. It is obvious that I was supposed to come here. Ye of Little faith, Blair. How quickly you are to forget that you loved, precious and created in the image of a most high God and that He has you. He made you. He made your voice. He made Wes's voice. He made Nicks voice. He made Aaron's voice. He made JT's voice. He made Hannah's voice. He made Amanda's voice. He made Gabbi's voice. He made Ellie's voice. He made Kinsey's Voice. He made Emma's voice. He made Abby's voice. He made them perfectly to reflect Him and to glorify Him and mine will do just that if I will do as psalm 104 says: "I will sing to the Lord as long as I live."

Lord, I want this year to be for you. I know I am quick to forget your faithfulness. I know I am quick to be selfish and prideful leading to make it all about me and my glory. Lord, I confess that position of my heart to you before I start this year as ask you to work in my heart. May I glorify you with my voice as long as I live and sing, perform, dance, study, love, encourage, praise you from the deepest depths of my being every single day of my life. With tears in my eyes as I write this, I am amazed that you would even love me in my muck and mire. I am amazed that you would take me from the pit of despair that you did and call me by name and claim me as your own. I am humbled that you choose to love me and give me chance after chance despite my lack of faith and obedience each day. Lord help me to walk out obedience and faith this year in a way that glorifies you alone. Stay my eyes on  you and do not let them stray to the left or to the right if it is to compare myself. May I only look to the left or to the right if it is to love, encourage, speak truth, proclaim the gospel and talk of your love and wonders.

Tomorrows the day. I will sing to the Lord as long as I live!

You cannot base your future hope on past disappointments

Every day that I get to be alive, I am more blown away with the Lords faithfulness and also in hand with that more blown away by the ugliness that clouds my heart and in turn hardens it.

I am here in Lancaster, PA. I am at my host home which has been such a blessing and I am getting settled in and adjusted. Our orientation is on Monday so until then I have been getting things set up for my room, prepped for classes and set up to work remotely for my work for 1 or 2 days a week at least until they get a new hire. Can you say PRAISE JESUS?! He is so faithful! I am lacking $4,300 dollars needed for living expenses for the year so I am thankful this will help a little bit with that! And I don't have to learn a new skill set among learning all the other new things I have to learn! That in itself is such a gift. It won't cover all of what I am lacking but it will make a dent and I am thankful to God for that provision. And I'm thankful I get to help my boss out as well; He is a gem.

The last of the conservatory students came into town today. I have gotten to meet them all except one. I have a confession to make. All of them are younger than me but truly that's not hard to be when you are a 30 year old taking a quarter-life career change  but most are a good chunk younger than me. When I first virtually met them, I was really wrestling with some ugly parts of my heart and with insecurities in myself. Thoughts like, "I don't want to hang with the high schoolers. They're like 18 and I'm old." "They wont like me. They don't want to hang with the 30 year old." "I cannot relate to them. We have nothing in common." Yada, Yada, Yada.

What a load of junk. Sometimes I act like I am 12!

First off, most of them are in their early twenties so they're not as young as I thought. Second off, in the grand scheme of things we are all a lot more like than we are different. And by we, I don't just mean the group of conservatory students but rather everyone; the human race as a whole. We are so much more alike than different. We have so much more in common that binds us together than the differences that tend to create division; you know those things: race, ethnicity, beliefs, looks, background, interests, style, hobbies, etc. If people would be willing to put down their pride down long enough they would be able to see that and life would radiate so much joy as you breathe each breath of each new day.

Now lets get to this group specifically. I am so thankful that my ugly, insecure thoughts were WRONG! I am thankful to be found caught incorrect in my pride. Consider myself standing corrected! The Lord really showed me how lately I have been assuming the worst of people and that is an area of my heart I really am wanting Him to refine and work on in me this year. I can be so faithful for him to provide financially, career wise, and so on but man, I am lacking in faith for relationships. He showed me that I have not been trusting Him for provision for deep, intimate, real friendships. I have not been trusting him to bring in solid community. I don't want to put any focus on potential romantic relationships this year but I have not been trusting him in that arena either. I think that comes from being so brutally hurt by deep intimate relationships in various forms throughout my life. You cannot base your future hope on past disappointments. I have been doing just that and for that I greatly seek forgiveness from God and to any friends that may have been hurt or judged through my actions made out of the wellspring of a calloused heart. I am thankful He is revealing to me this weakness in my life that needs to be restored and healed. I am confident that He will be faithful to do that. I pray I grow tremendously in that area this year.

 I am so thankful for these beautiful souls already and I am just now getting to know them. And I am sure it will be the same when the remainder of the cast of Jonah get into town. What inspiring, incredible, mature, fun individuals. I look forward to getting to know them more intimately in one-on-one settings, getting to know their hearts, their desires, their disappointments, their scars, their hopes, their insecurities, their fears, their joys and having them care about mine in return. I look forward to working through hard stuff with them with the program and relationally as we navigate life together for a year. I look forward to watching them grow as humans, as believers, as performers and hopefully encouraging and loving them in any and every way possible that I am able. I pray that our relationships as friends, believers, students and performers glorifies Christ in the most beautiful way and as we do so I pray that He continues to reveal Himself and his glory to us in deep, passionate, intimate ways that spur us deeper and deeper in love with Him. Iron sharpens Iron; I am looking forward to having mutually encouraging and inspiring deep friendships with these 11 other wonderful people and learning to love them, love myself and love God more and more each day for who they are.

Enthralled by the Reality of Christ

Thankfully the faithfulness of the Lord is not equivalent to my faithfulness to post on this blog. It's now January 11, 2017 and I am sitting here in Piney Point, Maryland visiting a dear friend; the one who mentored me and lead me to the Lord as a matter of fact. That was in 2009 and what a journey my life has been since that time. She was so faithful to mentor me and love me in my mess. She spoke the truth to me in love and brought out seeds of greatness in me which were in desperate need of nurturing. They still are but in the time that has passed since 2009, I have grown to learn to nurture them some on my own with the word of God and with reminding myself with truth of our reality of what Jesus Christ did on the cross for us. I am so thankful for her and thankful to God for his great provision in that way and in every other way that he has graciously provided and protected me as his child and his heritage.

I am enjoying the view of the Potomac River through her sunroom and am preparing myself for what lies ahead for me today and in the next few days. In the next few hours, I will squeeze myself in my overly stuffed car that is a hazard if you open the doors because of all my things that have been stuffed in with anticipation of the year that is to come and I will drive to Pennsylvania; my new home for at least the next year to begin my journey at Sight & Sound.

Since I last posted, I am amazed at the Lords provision. I am also amazed at my anxiety and worry. The Lord always has loved me and been faithful to me. That is not faithful to always give me what I want because Lord knows he has not but been faithful to give me what is for my good and for His glory; even when that in the moment seems bad, hard, painful, challenging... its been for my good. He is King of King and Lord of Lords and I am not. He knows best not me. In this particular situation and season of my life, He has graciously seen fit not just to open doors to me but rather it feels like he is pushing me through the doors with love, excitement and passion. I feel confident that this is the direction in which I should go despite feeling anxious, grieving leaving my family and being so far away, or wondering how it will all come together. I am anxious to see how it will all play out but I am not worried.

When I last posted, I didn't even have half of my tuition. I had sent in my deposit check and I was just living day by day in faith knowing that it was going to work out if it was supposed to and if not then it was not for me. That's a hard pill to swallow when it is something that you want so deeply. He provided though. I want what He wants for me in every area of my life and I have been praying that I would be more in tune to His leading and His Holy Spirit to direct me, give me wisdom and guide me. In hand with that, I have also been praying for my obedience to follow when  he does direct and guide me without grumbling, without worry, without apprehension but with whole hearted obedience and desire to glorify Him and serve his purpose and plan for my life which in turn could look a whole lot different than my purpose and my plan for my life.

It is now January and I have to praise God.
I have my tuition paid- praise God.
I have a place to live for a mere 50 dollars a month and exchange for cleaning services. In addition, I have enough money right now for my first 3 months of living there so far. -- praise God.
My bills have been paid for January- praise God.
My job that I left is considering letting me work remotely for one or two days a week or when I have free time-- praise God.
I have my school needs/supplies met--  praise God.
I have a handful of gift cards to use for the first few months to Walmart & Target so I can get groceries-- praise God.

There may be months where I do not have these things lined up--- PRAISE GOD. My goal is not to doubt him. I don't want to doubt him when it's the 28th and my car payment is due and I am lacking. I don't want to doubt him when my tummy is growling and my gift cards are spent. I don't want to doubt him when I am struggling to perform because of my weight. I don't want to doubt him when I am in the midst of exhaustion of school, performing 9 to 11 shows a week and working a part time job. I don't ever want to doubt his faithfulness in good or hard times. I want to always know and be confident who my source is. All those things above from the home to the computer I type on are all fleeting and they are all things. I never want my hope to be in those things and I must confess to God and to you my brothers and sisters in Christ that often they are. I pray that the Lord continues to show me that I am nothing without Him and that my confidence and hope can only be in Him. I pray that I know that those things are gifts and can be enjoyed but never honored and revered as the source of my hope or the solution to my life. Jesus Christ is always and only the hope I will ever have.

As I prepare to leave, I am scared. I am trying so hard not to be but I am. I left a secure job that I was good at, a beautiful city, my best friend, a solid church, my sweet amazing family, my adorable niece and nephew, a comfy bed to go live in the cold of the North, with new people I haven't experienced, new cultures, new routines and demands, no income and I am sad but also have such great expectation of what is to come. It is my prayer that the people I left, especially my family, know I love them. I never want me choosing to pursue the path God has for me to let them feel that I do not desire or love them with all my heart. I want my life to be for Christ's sake and Christ glory--- I want to do the thing that He created me to do. The thing that proclaims his name and brings him the most glory. I do hope this is it and if not, I know God will be faithful to use this to guide me and direct me. This will be another chapter in molding me more into His image as He prepares to call us home to Heaven when the old earth will fade away and a new one shall come. I await for that day with excitement and great anticipation but I want to do the same as I am here on earth walking through this journey knowing that God is good, confident that he is faithful, knowing that there will be trials but that He is Just and praying that I will grow stronger in faith and spirit. I pray that I fall more and more deeply in love with Jesus Christ and in turn with people. I pray that I fall less and less in love with myself and my self-centered, gluttonous desires. I pray that I begin to see people more and more for who they are in the image of Christ as his creation and less through my judgments and assumptions. I pray that I become enthralled by the beauty of Christ and the sacrifice that was made on the cross. I pray that all my decisions are made out of that reality and what that means for my life.  I pray that sin in my life would continue to be plucked out, even if it's ugly and painful and that through that I will be confident of the good work that the Lord is doing in me.  This year, I pray I learn more of my story in Christ Jesus. I pray I grow confident in my worth and my beauty in Jesus. I pray that I stop living my life judging or condemning myself and living free with the reality of the gospel and what it means for my life. I truly appreciate you all joining me on this journey and praying for me as I embark on this beautiful experience-- may Christ be glorified!